My Girl

Sometimes at night

When all is quiet and calm

I sit alone in the dark

And I wonder about you

You whose beauty fills your face

Your painful eyes so pretty

Your smile so young

Do you know your place?

I want to hold you

And tell you it’s alright

Your life, it hurts I bet

You put up quite a fight

I barely know you

Just by name

By pictures vague

What they write in vain

But I know you’re mine

And I’ll fight too you know

Your soul is beautiful

And I love you so

Your heart is young

And much too broken

Come here and find

He’s already spoken

He’s watching you

Protecting and all knowing

He’s loving you

Watching you growing

Guiding and showing

Us your spirit

To cherish and call you

Our child-my little girl.

I wrote this the other night as we wait for the process to move forward on foster-adopting a teenage girl.  A teenage girl who seems to have been written off by the “system” and labeled as a “problem child.” If you know me, you would know that this sort of thing is a pet peeve of mine.  All I my life I grew up labeled: “Missionary kid” or “rebel”.

It sucks to be predestined to act a certain way or be someone you’re “expected” to be instead of being loved for who you are, the good and the bad.  This girl is so beautiful and you can see that pain and beauty and depth in her young eyes and I just want to hug her and cry with her as I’m so sad and hurt that she has gone through everything she has.  When kids act out, it is often because of the trauma they’ve had or hurt they’ve experienced and many times they aren’t rebelling against authority, they’re rebelling out of a lack of relationship. (We talked about this in our “Life group” through church yesterday.)

I am okay with problems.  Perfection scares me, to be honest, as I am anything but perfect.  Life is tough and we have a firm foundation, thankfully.  The winds that blow us will not uproot us.  And as a song says, “we might bend but we won’t break.”

Fight song 

This song, by Rachel Patton, could totally have been written by me…even down to the timeframe of when I left “home” which has been a little over two years. Plus, this is and has constantly been my mantra of trying to be me even when those I hold close don’t believe in me. So…I thought I’d post the lyrics here. I’m sure you’ve heard the song but I’ll include the song as well below in case you haven’t.
Like a small boat

In the ocean

Sending big waves

Into motion

Like how a single word

Can make a heart open

I might only have one match

but I can make an explosion
And all those things I didn’t say

Wrecking balls inside my brain

I will scream them loud tonight

Can you hear my voice this time
This is my fight song

Take back my life song

Prove I’m alright song

My power’s turned on

Starting right now I’ll be strong

I’ll play my fight song

And I don’t really care if nobody else believes

‘Cause I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me
Losing friends and I’m chasing sleep

Everybody’s worried about me

In too deep

Say I’m in too deep

And it’s been two years

I miss my home

But there’s a fire burning in my bones

And I still believe

Yeah I still believe
And all those things I didn’t say

Wrecking balls inside my brain

I will scream them loud tonight

Can you hear my voice this time
This is my fight song

Take back my life song

Prove I’m alright song

My power’s turned on

Starting right now I’ll be strong

I’ll play my fight song

And I don’t really care if nobody else believes

‘Cause I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me
A lot of fight left in me
Like a small boat

In the ocean

Sending big waves

Into motion

Like how a single word

Can make a heart open

I might only have one match

but I can make an explosion
This is my fight song

Take back my life song

Prove I’m alright song

My power’s turned on

Starting right now I’ll be strong

I’ll play my fight song

And I don’t really care if nobody else believes

‘Cause I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me
Now I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me

beautiful like you

Below is a raw little thing I wrote today regarding something I wrote earlier today that sounded too real and alive and I threw it away.  I will probably wake up tomorrow and feel vulnerable about posting this, thus deleting it, but for now, here you are.

I wrote a song for you today

Called it Beautiful, like you

So perfect, it seemed cliche

Crumpled up and tossed aside

Words that were simply put

Yet so full of truth and depth

And awkward

Like a young child learning

So full of hope

And dreams that don’t come true

Going to close my eyes

And rewind time in my dreams

As I wake, I’ll fill myself up

With all I can

To forget these things

Don’t want to know

Nor try to understand

I am stone cold

Lock it all away

I’m a trained heart-warrior

But don’t want to forget

You’re one in a million

You are you

Listening to one of my favorite artists, Elliot Minor (from the UK):

Timing

I’ve heard the phrase said, “it was just wrong timing.”  I thought this to myself regarding something recently and stopped myself.  I try not to think too in depth about much when it comes to my life, my choices in the past, and that sort of thing.  I have taken many opportunities in life and I’m sure missed out on many.

I am the product of a free-will thinking individual as far as my beliefs.  And as I said to a friend recently, I get criticized for all my decisions that come off as looking like I am not sure where I am going in life.  I want more-I don’t want to settle and be content with just “getting by.”  Or so I say….  I guess some things in my life are dictated by “other” forces such as not wanting to rock the boat with family or children.  I have had a lot of varying jobs that have all given me a wide spectrum of job skills.  I have had a lot more relationships than one would care to that have given me the ability to put up with some things and not others or how/when to choose my battles or when to let go.  Each thing I’ve gone through is a process.  Like I said before-stepping stones…it has always seemed to be my destiny in life to hop through on stepping stones without a final point and to be a stepping stone for others to “find themselves” or what they want.  Does it make me excited?  No, honestly, it doesn’t…don’t we all want a happy, perfect ending?  Maybe I just believe that my happy ending is giving all that I have and am for others.  Yes, I have desires and wants, but either I don’t get those or I just have to keep waiting.  Maybe when I’m 90? 😉 The grass might look greener and I have always taken chances and risks, but I’m so tired of doing so and being wrong.  I just can’t risk that anymore.

All these thoughts bring me back to my main point-is there ever a “perfect time”???  I remember thinking that about a relationship I had and yet, it was clearly never meant to be.  A good friend once told me I was his soul mate but the timing was off and that we were “never meant to be” and of course, I agreed that it wasn’t meant to be, but for other reasons.  “Timing…”  Is there really ever a “perfect” time in life for anything?  Sometimes people put stipulations on getting married or having children, saying, “When x happens, then we’ll be ready.” (Most times x=having money…which is rare for most people in this day and age to ever have the “right” amount of.)

Henry David “Thoreau” (my favorite writer if you weren’t aware) said, “Our truest life is when we are in dreams awake.”  He also made the wise comment that, “You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment. Fools stand on their island of opportunities and look toward another land. There is no other land; there is no other life but this.”  Thoreau said more than what I could ever quote-all good stuff.  So, to paraphrase what he is saying in these, we know what we want and can not always have it, except in our dreams.  There is no “perfect time” but we have to live each moment at a time to the best that we can and take advantage of the open doors…those opportunities.

It’s times like this that I realize I am writing to reveal something new to myself-to clarify all the thoughts in my head.  I wish I could say that I will seize moments in the future and do just that, not playing it safe (as many of you think is my custom…even though it isn’t.)  It isn’t in my nature to stir anything up.  So, I’ll try to be patient and wait and keep living one day at a time and see what happens.  Thoughts and feelings can stay in my dreams where they belong.  🙂

Just think about it the next time you tell yourself something isn’t the “right time.”  Maybe that is the very time you need to take an opportunity.  Everything happens for a reason.  You won’t know until you try.

Listening to “In My Dreams” by REO Speedwagon