Life as I see, I mean, Dream It

There are days when the world feels like it goes against me. Everything I say and do seems to irritate and everything that’s said or done towards me just rubs the salt into the rawness. Likely, I am trying so hard to climb UP, that in my incessant trying and perpetuating speed, I end up digging a hole-deeper, and instead of going forward, I regress.  I guess one could compare it to quicksand: you fight to get out of a pit and instead you sink deeper.

Those days, I look back at how I’m cramming every second of time with more time-consuming opportunities, convincing myself that they are helping me get somewhere, but really, are they? I take two steps forward, and slide right back down.

I’d like to know my efforts aren’t in vain…and I guess I somehow wish that this is a dream from which I will awake and everything will be perfect:

I’ll wake up in the morning (well rested) to a clean house, go on a nice jog, kiss my honey goodbye as he leaves for work, talk to my daughter while I cook her breakfast, get her on the school bus, then drive to work, getting there plenty early of course! (I know…don’t laugh.) After a prosperous day at work (because I’ll be doing what I love like owning a business or working as a police officer, fighting crime), I’ll go pick up my daughter from her after-school program, where all her homework would have been done and I’ll see a great report from her teacher on how helpful and obedient she was.  I’ll drive home and start cooking dinner and just then, my husband will walk in the door and come to kiss me immediately because he missed me so much. After he changes, he’ll come to the kitchen and finish prepping dinner and setting the table with me. We will all sit down at the table and say grace, then eat our well-balanced meal talking to each other about our day (no cell phones). After dinner, we will clean up together and then I’ll throw in some laundry while my daughter gets ready for bed and my love feeds our well-behaved dogs that are a little mischievous sometimes.  Then we will tuck in my little girl together and go sit on the couch, me doing homework, and him watching his sports and catching up on news. After I finish, (and switch out the laundry), we’ll  go take a shower together, maybe somewhere in there…he’ll passionately start kissing me and tell me how beautiful I am, and then…maybe some other things…. Then, we’ll finish folding laundry and make sure the house is tidied before we lay down for the night, snuggled up in each other’s arms. Sigh…

I know, some fairy tale huh. I think I have to wake up and realize no one is perfect-no life is perfect and happiness and joy is about what you choose in spite of a dirty house, running late, not having enough time in the day to get everything done that should be, juggling family life, and trying to shush up about my apparent irrational expectations about partnership.

And, life goes on….

Arthur’s Theme

I absolutely love this song, this version, the one Barry Manilow sings, the original, all of them. I feel inspired to learn it on the piano. Just one of those mood songs that reaches in and pulls on your heart. 

Here are the words:

Once in your life you find her

Someone that turns your heart around

And next thing you know you’re closing down the town

Wake up and it’s still with you

Even though you left her way across town

Wondering to yourself, “Hey, what’ve I found?”
When you get caught between the Moon and New York City

I know it’s crazy but it’s true

If you get caught between the Moon and New York City

The best that you can do

The best that you can do is fall in love
Arthur he does as he pleases

All of his life, he’s mastered choice

Deep in his heart, he’s just, he’s just a boy

Living his life one day at a time

He’s showing himself a really good time

He’s laughing about the way they want him to be
When you get caught between the Moon and New York City

I know it’s crazy but it’s true

If you get caught between the Moon and New York City

The best that you can do

The best that you can do is fall in love

As it happens

As it happens

I just might care

I may be slightly patient

And wait this out

As it happens

I know what this is

And I may not want to lose

A battle I don’t win

As it happens

I sit back and enjoy

Each day you smile on me

And pretend you love me

As it happens

I just might care

I might be slightly broken

As my heart lays open
For to love is to be broken

Not sad-disappointed

But open and capable

Vulnerable…

For if we are never broken, 

Our own love can’t spill out

And allow others to love us in return…

when words are not enough (a strange and backwards blessing)

When words are not enough

To maintain the threads of time

To ease your troubles like they used to

To mend the actions of mine

When words are not enough

To fix the holes inside you

To relieve your devastated soul 

To meet you where you’ve run to

There’s nothing left to say….

So may your heart be so broken

May your tears runneth down

May you be better than the rest

When you’re alone with yourself 

May you love every moment

May you lose what you have left

So when you’re asked what you’re feeling

The truth is all you can express.

 

Glass Heart

Reflections of the moon ripple gently along the dark liquid mirror
A symbol of perfection like a polished glass heart smiling up at the night sky
Serene and silky, seducing all the senses, fooling those who gaze upon her
The slow churn of water under the surface is subtle and obscure
A forbidden abyss of mystery and danger
But the magical beauty lures and deceives those who mistake her
Those who have fallen through the crevasses of the icy surface
Only to know the strong current of what lies beneath, pulling deeper
Entrapping any who dare to pry behind the barrier of light
The frozen emotions on the surface so thick and strong
But the bold and bright sun bearing down warms and caresses her icy exterior
Exposing the torrents of water beneath
Just enough that her waves start to transform into a cool transparent spring
And the vulnerable waters of her soul shine brightly from the deep
Then a surge of light and deep rumble loudly piercing the calm air
Striking the open waters and forcing the vibrant chasm closing in and icing over
Stifling tear drops under the surface of the shell allowed to momentarily melt
As the dark clouds overhead beat down rain, bouncing off her icy shoulders
Now heavy laden with layers of protection from a storm until the sky clears
And then with sultry admonition, she shines from below the frozen exterior
Knowing the chaos stirring underneath is lost inside her glassy heart of ice.