(Posted in February 2015 but deleted by author)
Sitting on my plane, I am pondering a few things and needing to put my thoughts into writing to sort it all out and make sure I’ve understood the lesson just learned (I seem to learn a lot of lessons).
So, I just embarked on a short two day trip thinking I really needed this time away. A few months ago I was even in a spot where I figured if I ever had the chance to take a trip, I might do something crazy and unthought of like not coming back. Granted, I have children and the whole reason I moved to New Mexico was for them.
Anyway, the feeling I had been having HAD been that I was on a path…yet more stepping stones…to something different/better. Basically the “grass is always greener” sort of thing. Well, in the last few weeks, I’ve felt a little more distant as far as not knowing what or who my future would hold. But I kept hearing in my mind “for better or worse”. Perhaps the thought was a reminder spurred on from watching the now-out film “American Sniper” as Chris Kyle’s emotional walls were apparent. A little background/sidenote…I’m married to a similar man emotionally and he is also a sniper in the military. Watching this movie actually helped me understand Kris (my amazing husband) a little better and feel more connected to him. Connection is sometimes difficult when there are things that the other can’t talk to you about, plus Kris wasn’t raised with the touchy feely stuff so this he’s already not that way.
Anyway, like I was saying, I had been feeling like this “lack of affection and connection” meant maybe I’d make a mistake and remarried too quickly or not for the right reasons.
At the same time all of this has been happening, I have also been in a job that affords me the time to go back to school (finally) and although I’ve wavered here and there on my major…I finally have felt good about the Criminal Justice degree I am shooting for. Check 1 for finally doing something to better myself!
Sooo, my point of this whole little entry today is to point out that we often, without even realizing it, have forecasted our “weather” so-to-speak. We are convinced that one direction is better than another and end up willing to follow through on our so-called dreams, going off of our very limited perspective. Or we may write out options because we never thought them possible or attainable.
For those of you that do know me and my story, you’ll know I’m a fighter. I have literally climbed mountains and battled with physical and emotional demons for a good majority of my almost 35 years now. Decisions are finally not impacted by my upbringing/family. (My missionary/pastoral upbringing that taught me I had to be perfect but never could match up to my siblings who are all still married to their original spouse.) But…I am a very inward person (emotionally and socially) now than I was before. I make decisions for my own reasons and not always based on what would make me “feel” most happy for the moment. Well, when I met Kris, I felt like he was a kindred spirit/soul, even though we have very different backgrounds and personalities. We both had some similar, and very heavy, baggage. We knew our relationship and communication would take extra work and honestly, when we committed to being partners, weren’t sure either of us ever wanted to remarry. But, here we are, 1 year and 4 months after meeting, married for 7 1/2 months and a little crazy at times…hahaha! I think when you’re with someone for awhile, you lose track of them and yourself…you lose some of both most times and then somewhere, expectations have taken over as has selfishness, and oops…here come the arguments and silent treatments and bottling unexpressed emotions. So, for those of you who are on your first marriage, I have observed that if you stick with it, you can often get passed these obstacles, but if not, lemme tell you-they don’t get easier or cease to exist in the next relationship! Whew! Each time, they come out and rear their ugly faces earlier on and faster because we are more set in our expectations and desires and how dare that other person deprive you of the life you thought you’d get! 😉 But…with that aside…sometimes what makes a person stick with it doesn’t matter. Maybe it’s having kids together, or not wanting to hurt the other family involved (in laws). It does, however, have to be a matter of conviction! If you are doing something for a reason that you don’t believe in with all your heart, you will just breed contempt and resentment.
Anyway, back to my short trip…. I am living proof that hearts and desires change. I thought I had it figured out-that end point where I wanted to be. Either option has hurt involved and either is about equal, however….I’m sure a large part of it is purely God and his convicting me to stay. Sure, when marriage has tough stuff that no one should have to handle, I can see quitting…but in the end, it’s sooo much better!!! Stepping away from my life has been good for me because I sincerely miss my partner in life. I mean, I did pick him out of thousands, because he had a spark…something I recognized inside myself. And although I didn’t instantly fall head over heals for this quirky, multi-talented, perfect-American Eagle Outfitters-manniquin-style body man, I have grown to love him more than anyone in this world! Obviously I knew/felt this way when we got married or I wouldn’t have married him, but now that the honey moon phase faded away, I was seriously questioning it and our “best friend” status.
When it came down to me having the option to choose another path, and temptation beckoned me it’s way…I couldn’t bear the thought of hurting my man…MY husband, and not following through on MY vows. Notice here, it’s not about him… It’s about me. My husband may give off a “grim” look but he’s actually very endearing and loving and I know no matter what, he has my back and has the desire to work on us. He’s proven it more so lately and taken the brunt of my hormonally-emotion-charged attacks about his parenting and husbanding and actually worked on himself. I’m not lonely or afraid without him…but I do adore him and respect and admire him. He doesn’t see himself as a great and wonderful man but he is! I thought the horizon of my relationship had darkness and not just storm clouds. I thought I was forecasting our end…. But really, that skyline changes constantly and right now, I’m convinced that the clouds are clearing and we will get through our storms together and blue skies will magnify the sun that shines brightly on this choice.
So, my lesson to myself in all this? Don’t forecast your life and jump the gun on what could be behind those clouds…I’m forever hopeful and still a climber/fighter! 🙂