Finding ME

I’m at a point in my life, for once, where I believe I am able to see and understand the things going on around me.  I can feel the past pangs as specific individuals try to constantly punish me for what happened 9 years ago.  It isn’t right and it isn’t God.  There are so many things around me in which feel like they are spinning in a slow-motion vortex around me for once-they are normally so fast, I can’t see each thing individually in my life.  God is working on SO many things in my life right now, as if the force of the whirlwind around me is sucking out all the negativity and blackness away…which is AWESOME!  Did I mention it’s painful?  Well, it is, haha!  I can laugh about it because that’s just who I am.

I often take time to evaluate life and who I am and why I am on this fast-paced path of seeming-self-destructiveness.  Yes, I occasionally write things out on paper and here-my faceless audience to whom I pour out my heart.  I feel soothed, even though only once have I ever seen a comment on my blog in the 2+ years I’ve had it.  As you all know, my journey to re-discovering myself was in “climbing.”  Medical reasons and reasons of the heart deterred me from that, nevertheless, I still struggle as if climbing high peaks. each time, God pulls me through even though I always feel like I can’t and don’t want to keep going.  Kinda sucks when I just want to end the pain that never goes away, I’ve just come to terms with it.

I think that for the moment, all this clarity and peace in the eye of the storm is easing some of my pain.  The sayings that run through my head are “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” “This too shall pass,” and “God won’t give you more than you can handle.” Ha!  I’m not strong-but He is in me.  I think when I give up on myself and just realize how wordly I can be, then God can do his work.  I was singing a song to my little 6 year old earlier today-it came to me after God helped me overcome a simple disagreement with someone with thinking of Him and how we should live in Him, in His name…since He is what is eternal after all.  It was a prayer for myself, essentially, and it goes like this:

“Change my heart, oh God, make it ever new.  Change my heart, oh God, may I be like you.  You are the Potter, I am the clay-mold me and make me, this is what I pray.  Change my heart, oh God, make it ever new.  Change my heart, oh God, may I be like you.”

I recommend it, really.  It truly humbles oneself quickly. I don’t often subject myself to asking for God to give me patience or anything of that sort, as in my experience, that means being tried through fire-fire burns and is a painful experience, even though if you trust God, He gets you through.  So really, it’s all about TRUST. Ding ding ding, key word there-did you see it?  Can you do that?  Can you trust God to work in your life?  It means you aren’t going to do what YOU want-you’re going to likely be out of your comfort zone and allow HIM to work through you.  And when He does, He works in you, and changes your heart, which I think many people don’t actually want.  I believe most of us want to hold on to that little part that still gives us ultimate control.  It’s the roller coaster that’s been my life.  And, what’s harder is that we can’t control what others do and it just feels so rough and “not fair” when we trust God but They don’t!  So, they seem to win (Satan has an interesting way of making their way look better even if they are outwardly putting on a show saying God is doing awesome things in their life).

Ooo, ooo!  Let’s visit that for a sec!  Did you catch that right there?  That’s right, those people that “look like” they have everything together and post verses on their facebook and twitter and are so “amazing” that we can’t possibly compare…Satan is doing TWO things: making us feel unworthy, and robbing them of what could be God’s lesson of humility to them.  That’s right, chances re, if they’re all talk, it is possible that deep down, they’re holding on, controlling something in their life that they can’t break open and be vulnerable enough to let God take control of everything-they can’t truly TRUST Him.  How cool is that?  My messiness and brokenness is what God WANTS!  Yikes, but okay, God!

People look at me and tell me I am a “strong woman” but I’m sooo totally not-if I was in charge, my life would look a lot different right now probably. 😛 I am captivating only because Christ lives in me, and through my brokenness, HIS spirit shines through.  I don’t actually want to waiver, but I do-but God is faithful and never stops-never gives up. I’m not strong, but my God is, and I am sold on Him…HE never fails…