Out in the Open

This past week has been a memorable week for me-a lot of memories from the past creeping back up into my life and hitting close to my heart.  Thus, I am doing one of the things that I do best-writing it out.  Bear with me, as my thoughts and emotions are often times raw.  A lot of questions about my past and a lot of thinking of it has come up this week.  At the beginning of the week, the contracted social worker working on our home study for adoption interviewed me and per her questionnaire (which I answered honestly on and there were many many questions about things that could have happened in ones life that I answered yes to), she dug up EVERYthing from my past.  Ouch-that was a rough day-I felt emotionally exhausted.  On to Wednesday which marked the anniversary of a special day for me so I was left nostalgic…not something I like to usually be.  And now on to the rest of the week and I am just feeling stuck.  I can’t change how I feel as far as I can tell, but I’m hoping with a great weekend of writing and whatnot, that I can get this funk out of my system and move on with life.  So, enough said, and here it is.

Here I am
Standing
Heart beat strong
Under a mended exterior
You saw me
And drew me in
I held nothing back
Gave you every bit I had left
Then an earthquake
Monumental choices
Control taken from our hands
And I wondered
Why
So I ran
Heart racing
Breath quickening
Mind fleeting
But Focusing
On
Forgetting you

Barely functioning
Having no idea
What to trust
How to make up my heart
And still my mind
To quench the thirst
Of my bursting soul
And in here, this prison of dark
Trying to hear a still small voice
To clarify
Set it somehow straight
To continue my path

So here I stand
Once again
Out in the open
My naked heart
Exposed
No walls to hide me
To protect it
This love so raw
So new
But familiar
Now pulsing
Reverberating
As you examine
Painfully waiting
To know
My fate

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