It’s Complicated 4 you

You are a chasm of life

Lurking thoughts beneath your surface

Not saying what you want to

Because you don’t think anyone could understand

It’s complicated
There’s a dark void of space

Behind those soft and penetrating eyes

Blackness carefully hidden

But a light that you chase after endlessly

It’s so complicated
Someday you know you’ll meet someone capable of touching those waters

She’ll sink in and drown in your depths

You’re convinced

Because no one could swim in your currents

You’re hiding underneath crystal clear surface
You’re magical and enigmatic

With arms wide open

But when love comes you’ll fold

Because no one could understand you

It’s complicated
You’ll watch her slink away

Climbing to another peak so high

Wishing she came back to explore

Your cracked surfaces once more 

But you know

It’s complicated for you

3 Days and Counting


Some people are uncomfortable with a person who is depressed or see it and don’t hold their hand out. Those of us who are depressed and hurting want to cry with every word you say to us but fear of you ask us if we’re ok, we’ll fall apart in front of you. The pain is in our eyes and our quiet demeanor. You will know it is “that bad” when the usual chatty person is barely heard and escapes quickly to her seat in church, making as little eye contact as possible. When you’re in the midst of depression, you are like a broken vessel smashed to pieces on the floor-there is no magic fix and no way you can just put yourself together without any help. We need you. Just one person is all it may take and maybe one word reminding us we can’t do this but God can. We will grasp at that tiny shred of hope even when we feel like that’s unreal. It may be the one thing that keeps us alive-I’m not actually joking. 

I pray I will never be this person who goes un-noticing  to any of my friends. When you’re in pain (physical or emotional or all of the above), reach out your hand and don’t be afraid to ask for help. Even if it’s just something vague. Be real about your pain-someone else has been there, I promise you. 

Thank you to my friends who have been there in my darkest moments. It’s been 3 days…. (Took the picture above during my darkest moment while trying to look “together” on the outside.)

I posted the following to my Facebook page this morning (something that is uncharacteristic of me-I don’t like to air out my filth on Facebook but rather put my prettiest side forward):

“Failure-it’s something I’ve finally come to terms with and have admitted to those closest to me about how I’ve felt for 10 years. I completely broke-to my kids, to myself, to life…and everyone. 

I’m reading through a study called “Working Through Failure” (because after so many failures, I have learned there’s nothing I can do but fail). In my study today, this stuck out to me:

“It’s not human nature to be happy despite our circumstances; we want to be happy because of our circumstances…. In his book, Winning Smart After Losing Big, entrepreneur Rob Stearns echoes this perspective regarding his own failures. Stearns writes that there’s a big difference between experiencing a failure and being a failure: “You are the same person after your loss as you were before your loss.” It is strength of character that enables us to get up and keep moving when we’ve failed.”

The verse that coincides with this thinking is this: 

“Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.”

Philippians 4:11-13 NLT

http://bible.com/116/php.4.11-13.nlt

Indeed, when everything else in the world fails you and you can’t trust yourself not to fail, that is a great place to be because knowing only One who can intercede in the only thing we need-He is enough. 

A friend reminded me yesterday (you know who you are) that it’s not that God won’t give us more than we can handle-We aren’t supposed to be able to handle it and that’s the point. We need to be able to give our burdens to the only One who is strong enough to carry them.”

“I know where I’m at

I’m standing at the back

And I’m tired of waiting

Waiting here in line, hoping that I’ll find what I’ve been chasing.
I shot for the sky

I’m stuck on the ground

So why do I try, I know I’m gonna fall down

I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?

Never know why it’s coming down, down, down.
Not ready to let go

Cause then I’d never know

What I could be missing

But I’m missing way too much

So when do I give up what I’ve been wishing for.
I shot for the sky

I’m stuck on the ground

So why do I try, I know I’m gonna fall down

I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?

Never know why it’s coming down, down, down.

Oh I am going down, down, down

I can’t find another way around

And I don’t want to hear the sound, of losing what I never found.
I shot for the sky

I’m stuck on the ground

Why do I try, I know I’m gonna fall down

I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?

I’ll never know why it’s coming down, down, down.
I shot for the sky

I’m stuck on the ground

Why do I try, I know I’m gonna fall down

I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?

Oh, it’s coming down, down, down.”

Daily

Every day is a struggle to get out of bed-I’m tired and feel alone. Even if I read a book and some verses, I still feel physically alone. Longing to be told something nice and encouraged by someone I care about or touched in a loving way. I don’t like being negative or feeling sad. No one does. I wonder if I blew my chances and if I’m that unloveable. 

So what gets me out of bed each day when I feel this way? Well other than dogs wanting breakfast, every day for me is a choice. A choice to smile and even if I’m pretending in the outside that everything is wonderful, at least I can try to carry on. Hey, growing up as an mk (missionary kid) teaches you how to have a perfect facade. But inside I’m just clinging to what I know to be true-I know I’m not always a good person, but I’m honest, caring, loving, and not awful to look at, and I’m willing to admit my faults and love someone in spite of any they have. So on the outside, I’ll just “fake it till I make it.” 

And to those who also don’t know this-having fibromyalgia adds a whole new dimension to this. There is pain, insomnia, fatigue, depression, and so much more battling it out that getting up each day, jamming out to loud music and getting ready for the day is a huge feat! I know I’ve fought my fair share of these battles but some days, when feeling defeated, all you want is to hear something positive directed at you. 

I hate being so raw and vulnerable with my readers but my hope is that we can all know we aren’t alone-even when we feel like we are.

I’m broken

I never make sense

My heart is crumbling

I can’t comprehend

Bit off too much

And now I can’t swallow

I’m broken

Sprawled out on the dirty floor

Crying

Feeling alone

Holding up a hand

Asking to be whole again

But breaking is beautiful

He can use me better

Breaking is crucial

When two are broken

Together they make one

So I’m bleeding out

The poison in my veins

And transforming

So I can be made whole

Speechless

It’s hard to write when you have no words. That means a lot more than I could explain. So much warring on inside me, but it’s not really-I have made up my mind. But what takes those words away is a fairytale. My life has always been destined for the fall it seems like. The ride frightens me. Letting someone in seems absurd. And yet, here I am. Waiting. Speechless….

Journaling #struggles

Sometimes I just need to run, to write, and compose. I need to let out the torrents of emotions warring inside me.

I know I grew up with the thought process that happiness doesn’t matter-we should find our happiness in God and that’s it. Like everything else we do or anything we feel doesn’t matter.

Yeah, I get that feelings aren’t always “accurate” depending on the situation and hormones, and desires or the opposite. I am fairly insightful in this regard. But, at what point does one realize that others are affected in a bad situation?

Ha! All this time, I’ve thought I was overcoming fears and yet it was pointed out that I’m living in a good deal of fear. Oof…it’s true. In the end, my decisions are often made out of fear of something or someone. I always want everyone to be happy and so I make decisions or commitment based on that.

And now I have to ask myself, “when is enough?” To the point that a child has no self confidence because the choices her mom made didn’t help her be the woman she could have been?  It’s not selfishness as much as I feel like seeking my own happiness could be. Is that so wrong to want to be happy? Is it so wrong to want to get something when you give and give and give? When you’re at the point of despair and hopelessness so much so that one is complacent about where they are.

When I commit to something, see, I follow it through. I absolutely hate quitting things or giving up. I talk a good talk about it being ok to fail but I know that I fear it because I’ve had so much of it. I have to constantly remind myself that it’s learning and experiencing life-it’s not failing. Sometimes things just don’t work and we try so hard, as if forcing two incompatible puzzle pieces together-it’s just not meant to be. I’m not saying life should be easy, and God knows mine has felt like a battlefield.

I think I just want relief from that-from struggle. Well no, I can struggle and not grow weary, but I want better for my kids than to watch their mom struggle and not put value where value is due. I don’t need to be rescued-I know through God who gives me strength constantly that I can get through anything. But if the opportunity came up to change this about my life, would I accept? Would I relinquish my control and see what happens….?