Journaling #struggles

Sometimes I just need to run, to write, and compose. I need to let out the torrents of emotions warring inside me.

I know I grew up with the thought process that happiness doesn’t matter-we should find our happiness in God and that’s it. Like everything else we do or anything we feel doesn’t matter.

Yeah, I get that feelings aren’t always “accurate” depending on the situation and hormones, and desires or the opposite. I am fairly insightful in this regard. But, at what point does one realize that others are affected in a bad situation?

Ha! All this time, I’ve thought I was overcoming fears and yet it was pointed out that I’m living in a good deal of fear. Oof…it’s true. In the end, my decisions are often made out of fear of something or someone. I always want everyone to be happy and so I make decisions or commitment based on that.

And now I have to ask myself, “when is enough?” To the point that a child has no self confidence because the choices her mom made didn’t help her be the woman she could have been?  It’s not selfishness as much as I feel like seeking my own happiness could be. Is that so wrong to want to be happy? Is it so wrong to want to get something when you give and give and give? When you’re at the point of despair and hopelessness so much so that one is complacent about where they are.

When I commit to something, see, I follow it through. I absolutely hate quitting things or giving up. I talk a good talk about it being ok to fail but I know that I fear it because I’ve had so much of it. I have to constantly remind myself that it’s learning and experiencing life-it’s not failing. Sometimes things just don’t work and we try so hard, as if forcing two incompatible puzzle pieces together-it’s just not meant to be. I’m not saying life should be easy, and God knows mine has felt like a battlefield.

I think I just want relief from that-from struggle. Well no, I can struggle and not grow weary, but I want better for my kids than to watch their mom struggle and not put value where value is due. I don’t need to be rescued-I know through God who gives me strength constantly that I can get through anything. But if the opportunity came up to change this about my life, would I accept? Would I relinquish my control and see what happens….?

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