Old writings

I went through an old blog that I didn’t know existed still (needs to be deleted), but I feel like some of these that I wrote are worth posting. 

I was lazy and took screenshots of a few but the following was too long:

It’s called In a Flash and I wrote this in August of 2013 when I had been brutally assaulted in my own home and almost killed, but was more devastated by the loss of a relationship…one I knew wasn’t meant to be. I like this because it’s a reminder to me how fast life is and right now that knowing I’ve found my soul mate, my love, I need to take that chance and be all in.

In a Flash

Lashes fall and rise

Blurred light and noise

Confusion sets in

Pain searing through

Forced air struggling to move

Gasping

Glistening glass

Warm red pulsating out

Where am I?

I can’t think

I can’t feel

I can’t speak

The truth is real

Reality is painful

Hurt running deeper than it’s seen

Spinning out of control

Darkness comes back

Flooding inside my head

Beckoning me to stay

Asleep a little longer

Where I don’t feel
Inhaling

Feeling this intense

Painful desperation

Of forced change

Emotional bliss has faded

And turned to ice

Burning flames quenched

But not inside

For within

Memories exist

Only good can stay

All the words

The faces of sadness

Have gone away

Across infinity

For you are here

Within me

I can only move on

Scared but girded up

With strength and dignity
Asking for wings

Taking flight

To be alone

Praying for wind

Under your wings

To carry you 

As you dream away
Desiring perfection

Shutting out the pain

You feel

Catching your rainbow

As I let go

Close my eyes

You’re gone

In a flash

Can’t comprehend

But I need only this…

Trust

For He has promised

Only good will come
Blink

Just once

Enjoy this moment

The breath you breathe in

Now

Every second

You feel

You live

Dream

But know

Life is not a game

Turning and hurling

You control

Just one thing:

Who you allow inside

To share your soul

And in an instant

Time freezes

In a flash

Gone

You will be 

Who you chose to be

Forever

Chasing Rainbows makes me sad that I was with someone in 2013 who didn’t accept me for me in any way shape or form. He told me I should lose weight (I was tiny), I needed to eat less, and that he couldn’t stand my stretch marks as they were reminders that I didn’t bear his children. Obviously a good thing I got out of that. Wow!

I like As We Climb because I love analogies and to me, climbing is such a good reminder of how two should be connected in a relationship. The anchor is God; the rope between the two is the relationship that entails trust, commitment, and the willingness to grow; and each climber has their own responsibilities but they impact each other and they have to work together to climb; the climb is life itself-committing to it and living together. So to me, I feel like I’ve never had this partner but I’ve tried as you’ll see in Lightning Strikes and fallen many times. It’s always painful to fall and scary to climb again. But this one is worth the climb and worth all the practice I’ve had. ❤


Center of the Storm is pretty obvious-written in 2007, as I went through heartache I’m sure, the loss of my kids and an adoption that year, not to mention almost losing my life. I know God is the most powerful force and He is my peace and the center point of every storm.

Life is worth Living

Here I am working on homework again; homework that constantly challenges my thoughts on life, crime, Justice, and passion. When everything boils down, I’m not afraid to die…not afraid to make a stand for what is truth. Knowing the background of criminal justice and understanding it from a Christian perspective is sort of similar to having become a foster (and adoptive) parent. Even when life is rough, like really crazy and tough, you keep thriving. Life is so crazy: unfair, yes, but HE said HE would take our burdens. It is something I constantly fall back on. Man I would be a mess with my Heavenly Father and His forgiveness. 

I’m often told I have a big heart. Huh, it isn’t bigger than any other’s, but really, it’s been a broken mess for the last decade. Losing children and not being able to see them every day is heartbreak that I could have turned around and blamed on God-especially because wasn’t it He who their dad used to take them away and his so called Christian lawyer that took every good and amazing trait God gave me and twisted it to make me seem like a bad person? The one who couldn’t admit that in his heart he’d been committing the same crime for which I committed once in flesh when HE looks at all sin as equal. And yet, when my friends ask why and how can God allow innocent children like Victoria Martin, to be brutally murdered, “a child who needs protection,” I can say that it is HE who is protecting soooo much more. No that doesn’t mean there are hazards or ones who He’s allowed to slip through. For one, we don’t know HIS plan, and for two, HE may have known how badly this child needed to go HOME to be with HIM. There are no tears or pains in heaven. This is practically Hell at least for some…certainly was for Victoria. My heart hurts for her and the acts committed by those who God gave to protect her wereunfathomable. 

One of my deepest struggles is being able to give myself over completely to HIM. It’s possible though, and when I allowed God to break me totally this year, He blessed me with a business and a renewed determination to reach for the passions He’s given me. I first was passionate about teens and wanting to start a business havingsometging to do with them…but Spokane had a teen program, so it didn’t make sense to my friends and family. God knew that. He had plans for me in New Mexico…one of the most notorious criminal playgrounds in the USA. I never thought that growing up with so much protection and then learning how bad the world really was would lead me into a mission of learning the law and enforcing it, but with humility. 

The greatest thing I want everyone to see in my life is the mercy. The fact that I’m just as imperfect as the criminals and that the only thing that sets me apart is the other fact that God lives in me…shining through the broken heart He so graciously allowed me to have (I consider it a privilege). So yeah, my life is super hard to get through sometimes. I don’t WANT to deal with my broken heart. I don’t LIKE scrounging for the money to pay bills. But ha-life is about relationships and others AND I promised God when He physically and spiritually brought me back to life almost 9 years ago, that this life was HIS. He only gave me passion and the next step in each way of my path and even when I tried to veer away, He’s stayed by and pulled me back. I know I NEED Christ like I need air-more! But I already died in the hands of violence and defending truth once, so I am willing to take that chance of dying that way again (as an officer) and I KNOW that I am living the life He’s gifted me with to the fullest and as transparent as possible. You can not look at what I’ve been through and not see HIS handiwork! It’s just too much. 

Anyway, here is a song that struck a chord in me today:

It’s  “Life Is Worth Living” by Justin Bieber (hey, he has been through a lot and is also a product of grace). 

Ended up on a crossroad

Try to figure out which way to go

It’s like you’re stuck on a treadmill

Running in the same place

You got your hazard lights on now

Hoping that somebody would slow down

Praying for a miracle

Who’ll show you grace?

Had a couple dollars and a quarter tank of gas

With a long journey ahead

Seen a truck pull over

God sent an angel to help you out

He gave you direction

Showed you how to read a map

With a long journey ahead

Said it ain’t over

Oh, even in the midst of doubt
Life is worth living

Life is worth living, so live another day

The meaning of forgiveness

People make mistakes, doesn’t mean you have to give in

Life is worth living again


Relationship on a ski slope

Avalanche comin’ down slow

Do we have enough time to salvage this love?

Feels like a blizzard in April

‘Cause my heart is just that cold

Skating on thin ice

But it’s strong enough to hold us up

Seen her scream and holler

Put us both on blast

Tearing each other down

When I thought it was over

God sent us an angel to help us out

He gave us direction, showed us how to make it last

For that long journey ahead

Said it ain’t ever over

Oh, even in the midst of doubt


Life is worth living

Life is worth living, so live another day

The meaning of forgiveness

People make mistakes, doesn’t mean you have to give in

Life is worth living again

Life is worth living again


What I’d give for my affection

Is a different perception

From what the world may see

They try to crucify me

I ain’t perfect, won’t deny

My reputation’s on the line

So I’m working on a better me


Life is worth living

Life is worth living, so live another day

The meaning of forgiveness

People make mistakes

Only God can judge me

Life is worth living again

Another day

Life is worth living again

Aha! You saw it, didn’t you?! He says “people make mistakes, only God can judge me…” And you’re thinking he’s using that as an excuse? Um, no! Stop that! Stop judging! See? Unless you haven’t ever had any sins or “mistakes” in your life, you can not “throw stones” (judge). No one is perfect. It’s our human nature to judge and blame. We need to learn to accept responsibility and be repentant for only our own actions. I guess I say this because I’m still judged. Even my ex husband still tries to make me feel guilty when it’s he who played dirty in court and tried to turn false accusations on me to get our kids. Why have I not fought this? Because even if my kids don’t see it, I know God did…and He is the only who matters to me. Has it hurt? Oh my goodness! When my old church let him help and lead kids and told me I couldn’t, because of what “I’d done” and then allowed his girlfriend who left her husband for him to help, what a slap! But you see? People judge! God doesn’t and even then He reminded me that no one could keep using that against me. It was like the one mark I couldn’t escape, and it was so hard because I even tried to reconcile and was rejected. I gave my baby up for adoption because I knew it was best for him and the older kids’ dad even said I was taking the easy way out-that I should have to live with my mistakes. :/ A child deserves nothing but the best and I hope my kids know that I have put them first even if it’s not until they read this some day. I was told that my child conceived out of wedlock would get to see his dad who went to prison for what he did to me, who wanted him to grow up and kill his “white” brother. I was told I wanted to stay with this man when in reality, he told me every gruesome way he would kill my dad in front of me if I ever left him. So, yeah, I made decisions on what I thought would be best and the consequences of my sin are real but I would have never understood God’s grace like I do now. Like I said, each of us is sinful-no one is perfect. We don’t know God’s plan for each one of us. All we can do is walk with God, one step at a time. 

Life is worth living again.

Sleepless

Laying here, burning up my sheets, while you sleep peacefully. I can’t sleep-my mind is running too fast and my heart isn’t giving up. Another day where I go through the motions blindly forgetting life. But my nights are long and lonely, longing for so much more. And so I rethink every move in the past and how I always end up this way…satisfaction so out of reach. I’ve known good and too good to last but it doesn’t make sense that I can’t ever have the best of both. Not asking for the world. Just want to be loved and love wholly. Want to give all that I am to you and show you what loyalty is. But you don’t trust me…thinking I would get tired of you. But you’re different and I’ve never been adored. Never been loved or longed for by one I love in return. This isn’t easy for me. Admitting my deficits and asking for you to rescue me-be my knight and know that love takes effort. You can’t just get me and then give up or stop trying. I want to learn you every day and to be learned. I can’t be fixed-can’t be bought-can’t be figured out. I just need someone to love me inside and then out. To be willing to grow old learning who we are apart and together. Two is better than one. And I adore who you are. So I lie here sleeplessly thinking of you.

The Corners of my Mind

Days like today are filled with bittersweet emotion. Add to that the taunting of feelings that I have learned to hide from. I like the darkness that hides in shadows of the corners of my mind. But someone opened the door to illuminate what I hide and I feel vulnerable and exposed. No one will likely read this post, so I feel safe in venting here, and being real. I think I have locked myself away so much, escaping in my love of Investigations and school-always learning and growing. I feel like as long as I’m not dead, I should just keep pushing myself. But like I’ve asked before, when is enough? Why can’t it be me? Why does every person chase so many others? Why can’t I be cherished? How do I feel lonely when I should feel loved? I scream in the glass box I’ve been placed in and pound on the walls, and in my head, I’m crying, but on the outside, I am calm and collected. Inside I’m starving and my strength is fleeting too fast. They say I used to run away and now I just run. I need to clear my head. I need to remember I’m a fighter and that I can separate myself from my heart. I won’t be hurt again-I’m so numb from the absence of passion. I can’t let my heart beat faster-I must close the door that started to open. I will continue to play nice but remember the last time someone tried to convince me I was worth fighting for before they gave up because they found another more convenient. So many fish in the sea-I’ll stay laying in the bed I made of complacency. My fear lingers in the corners…fear of my patched heart shattering at the hands of a man. I’ll continue on for my children-they are what matter to me. I realize I’m broken-beyond true healing. No one can fix it-I’m not a project…should be a commitment that has passion. Everyone longs for adoration. 

Days like these remind me that I’m human. Helps me understand others and try harder to help and love. God’s love is all that I can give. Because if I love through my flesh and beating heart, it would explode under pressure again. I can not lose myself in emotion-can’t show the real side of who I am to those too shallow to understand.

I feel watched and I’m scared of all that you are too. Hurting and the loss of family, children, love, are all too real. You might go on to cover it with a bandaid but will it heal? I’ve tried it too. Beautiful people everywhere-so fake and void of life. When do we take our blinders off and love ourselves enough? When will it be enough? To let ourself open those doors?  When will I sweep away the cobwebs and pull away the curtains? I hate that I feel so deeply and hurt in the dark void where you should be. I can fall so fast and I get so scared of that. Right now, I live for my kids, but when they are grown, I’ll still be here. I’ll still be staying away from the corners of my mind….

The Empty Room

Sun shining down On white washed fencing Caging in the house Once broken and burned. Light glistening through Windows clearly showing All the rooms inside The reconstructed home. Hardwood floors Newly purchased sofa Kitchen sparkling clean The memories washed away. … Continue reading