Days like today are filled with bittersweet emotion. Add to that the taunting of feelings that I have learned to hide from. I like the darkness that hides in shadows of the corners of my mind. But someone opened the door to illuminate what I hide and I feel vulnerable and exposed. No one will likely read this post, so I feel safe in venting here, and being real. I think I have locked myself away so much, escaping in my love of Investigations and school-always learning and growing. I feel like as long as I’m not dead, I should just keep pushing myself. But like I’ve asked before, when is enough? Why can’t it be me? Why does every person chase so many others? Why can’t I be cherished? How do I feel lonely when I should feel loved? I scream in the glass box I’ve been placed in and pound on the walls, and in my head, I’m crying, but on the outside, I am calm and collected. Inside I’m starving and my strength is fleeting too fast. They say I used to run away and now I just run. I need to clear my head. I need to remember I’m a fighter and that I can separate myself from my heart. I won’t be hurt again-I’m so numb from the absence of passion. I can’t let my heart beat faster-I must close the door that started to open. I will continue to play nice but remember the last time someone tried to convince me I was worth fighting for before they gave up because they found another more convenient. So many fish in the sea-I’ll stay laying in the bed I made of complacency. My fear lingers in the corners…fear of my patched heart shattering at the hands of a man. I’ll continue on for my children-they are what matter to me. I realize I’m broken-beyond true healing. No one can fix it-I’m not a project…should be a commitment that has passion. Everyone longs for adoration.
Days like these remind me that I’m human. Helps me understand others and try harder to help and love. God’s love is all that I can give. Because if I love through my flesh and beating heart, it would explode under pressure again. I can not lose myself in emotion-can’t show the real side of who I am to those too shallow to understand.
I feel watched and I’m scared of all that you are too. Hurting and the loss of family, children, love, are all too real. You might go on to cover it with a bandaid but will it heal? I’ve tried it too. Beautiful people everywhere-so fake and void of life. When do we take our blinders off and love ourselves enough? When will it be enough? To let ourself open those doors? When will I sweep away the cobwebs and pull away the curtains? I hate that I feel so deeply and hurt in the dark void where you should be. I can fall so fast and I get so scared of that. Right now, I live for my kids, but when they are grown, I’ll still be here. I’ll still be staying away from the corners of my mind….