Where I Am

“I am the beginning, my love. I am your beginning. There is no where else you need to look. There is nothing else you need to chase down. I speak to your heart—in whispers, in moments. This moment now, my dear. This moment now. And the next one . . . and when you turn away from these printed words, too. I do not exist on the page, but in your heart—in the moments I give you. Each breath a testament to my life in you. Each sigh and tear and reaching for Me. I am in the middle. I am right here, in the middle, child. You are held, and I can’t ever let you go. It is not about what you do. You do from life in Me and you strive in life without Me. Reaching for Me is not the same as striving to attain something on your own. Reach for Me, and you have Me. Reach for other things—without Me—and these are things you should not attain. Let Me show you what is for us to do together.”I didn’t write this but I wanted to share this with others as I’m learning to live alone with myself and within…for an audience of one. This is from a study called “New Beginnings” that I initially found through YouVersion. It is meant to sound like it’s from God’s perspective to those of us who long to hear words of affirmation. 

“Not that we are sufficient of ourselves to think of anything as being from ourselves, but our sufficiency is from God,”

‭‭II Corinthians‬ ‭3:5‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

http://bible.com/114/2co.3.5.nkjv

I can’t write anymore

I’m done writing…I will be allowing this domain to expire. I realized that if someone reads this and they don’t understand it or can actually use what I say for good but they don’t? It’s a waste. 

I feel empty now-I’ve run out of things to say.

On Thin Ice

This gallery contains 4 photos.

Originally posted on vinnylanni:
They don’t know what it’s like standing on edge, fighting for survival, living each day without no one reason to go on. It’s easy being human, for they own the word, as they say. But me,…

Anxiety

I know I was raised that when one is anxious you’re supposed to pray… I’ve been anxious a lot lately, I feel like I’m praying even more. Anxiety is new to me. I don’t like the label…it was better when I didn’t know what it was. 

Anxiety is depression’s best friend-they partner together all the time. Someone pushes your buttons when you just want peace and positivity and next thing you know, you’ve sunk low and everything looks dark and lonely. Maybe it’s a chemical imbalance, but I can’t run this anxiety marathon for much longer. I think negatives need to go away and I need to find more positive solutions. 

Is anxiety a side effect of over-thinking? I think it has a lot to do with that. I’m going to take a deep breath, drink a huge glass of water, and lay down on my futon…closing my eyes and let tomorrow hope for peace and happiness.

The truth 

Truth is, I’m hurting. I’m grasping for hope. But God gives me peace, When I didn’t ask. That’s how I know He lives. I know what He asked of me, And I walked the path, To help someone… Even though … Continue reading

A prayer for her

Nights alone like these

I watch my little girl asleep

So carefree and trusting

I pray for wisdom

Strength to show her

How a lady should be

I do not have the answers

To life’s puzzles

And my life feels torn apart

But let her see 

That through darkness

There is always the light 

Even when we can’t see

For behind the clouds

The sun is shining

Bright for her…for me. ❤

Seizure

Funny that in the midst of so much pain, I find little things that the nurses say to be nice make me smile. Unfortunately, having done tests from a larger seizure I had this morning at 4:50am. I was told, the MRI  showed some different findings and I’m getting transferred to a larger hospital to be admitted. While I lay uncomfortably in my hospital bed for the ambulance, I have this opportunity to try to state what’s on my heart.

Am I upset? No, life is short. I’ve been through so much-maybe God is reminding me that my own happiness is in Him. Its important as He keeps me alive as He’s done through so many difficulties.

I cry because this just sucks. I can’t even go to the restroom on my own and I have to rely on a man to help me who tried to cash in on my incapacitated state after I had my seizure and take for himself (of which I’m disgusted). I feel violated by everyone who I ever thought cared other than family who is so far away. My kids are scared and I am scared. Apparently it is common for seizure patients to have insomnia because there body is keeping them awake so they don’t seize…(I was accused of not taking care of myself).

The amazing thing in all of this is that even if I go into this next procedure where some do not make it out, I WAS alive and I loved harder and fuller in the last days. I hope I’ll be back to blog more tomorrow, but again, life is short and we have to take every opportunity we can while we can. I was also accused of something out of a misunderstanding and it’s hurtful…to know that the one I loved didn’t trust me enough to know my unconditional love for him. He assumed and got angry and I was left to regret a gesture at sarcasm which we all know I suck at. Asi es mi vida.

En el Cielo voy a estar completo y total con mas amor que podemos imaginar Del nuestro Dios.

And if God leaves me alive, I will continue to live life as full as I can until He finally feels I’ve done enough.

I love my kids…many of you know them as you’ve known me for years, just as you know where my heart is at. It’s still better to have pursued with passion something I believed in and failed, than to have lived half a life never knowing what might have been.

Seize-Middle English: from Old French seizir ‘give seisin,’ from medieval Latin sacire, in the phrase ad proprium sacire ‘claim as one’s own,’ from a Germanic base meaning ‘procedure. I find this word interesting because of what I’m going through. 

But just like my tattoo I got almost a year ago on my ring finger, I can survive alone because God has given me the strength.


I got this when I was going through the fire to remember who I first and foremost belong to. If I live then it is for Him and if I die, then I will be wih Him where there are no tears or pain. ❤