Funny that in the midst of so much pain, I find little things that the nurses say to be nice make me smile. Unfortunately, having done tests from a larger seizure I had this morning at 4:50am. I was told, the MRI showed some different findings and I’m getting transferred to a larger hospital to be admitted. While I lay uncomfortably in my hospital bed for the ambulance, I have this opportunity to try to state what’s on my heart.
Am I upset? No, life is short. I’ve been through so much-maybe God is reminding me that my own happiness is in Him. Its important as He keeps me alive as He’s done through so many difficulties.
I cry because this just sucks. I can’t even go to the restroom on my own and I have to rely on a man to help me who tried to cash in on my incapacitated state after I had my seizure and take for himself (of which I’m disgusted). I feel violated by everyone who I ever thought cared other than family who is so far away. My kids are scared and I am scared. Apparently it is common for seizure patients to have insomnia because there body is keeping them awake so they don’t seize…(I was accused of not taking care of myself).
The amazing thing in all of this is that even if I go into this next procedure where some do not make it out, I WAS alive and I loved harder and fuller in the last days. I hope I’ll be back to blog more tomorrow, but again, life is short and we have to take every opportunity we can while we can. I was also accused of something out of a misunderstanding and it’s hurtful…to know that the one I loved didn’t trust me enough to know my unconditional love for him. He assumed and got angry and I was left to regret a gesture at sarcasm which we all know I suck at. Asi es mi vida.
En el Cielo voy a estar completo y total con mas amor que podemos imaginar Del nuestro Dios.
And if God leaves me alive, I will continue to live life as full as I can until He finally feels I’ve done enough.
I love my kids…many of you know them as you’ve known me for years, just as you know where my heart is at. It’s still better to have pursued with passion something I believed in and failed, than to have lived half a life never knowing what might have been.
Seize-Middle English: from Old French seizir ‘give seisin,’ from medieval Latin sacire, in the phrase ad proprium sacire ‘claim as one’s own,’ from a Germanic base meaning ‘procedure. I find this word interesting because of what I’m going through.
But just like my tattoo I got almost a year ago on my ring finger, I can survive alone because God has given me the strength.