Balancing a tight rope

No one ever climbs a mountain with the intention of falling off unless they have a death wish. Much the same, I’m sure most of us wouldn’t go into a marriage if we thought there was any chance of it not working out. So much is lost in love and war-in the conflict between flesh and spirit. We make our vows before God to cherish and love the other person in sickness and in health, for better or worse, for richer or poorer (I mean c’mon guys…), till death do us part and then what do we do? Throw lame excuses at why it should happen or why it happened. Are we failures? Yes-yes we are. People try to make you feel good and say we’re not but giving up is never winning in a marriage-ever. When one climbs a mountain,  you are partners and that can’t change. One can’t just quit and climb down on their own and leave the other stranded persay. But if one falls or gives up, the other person is there to help them to safety-to literally hold their weight and catch them when they fall. 

I love the analogies I had for climbing because they’re so spot on with God as the anchor and the rope as the marriage. Kids watch the method and learn too. Sometimes they veer away and go climbing alone-fall down and they learn that they need help when climbing and navigating life’s difficulties.

Right now I feel like I have fallen and was drowning in a vast ocean. I was able to pull myself to safety and now I’m on a tightrope that I am just partly hanging on to. Balancing is barely an option as I’ve been plummeted from what was to certain doom and now hope if I could just learn to get on the rope and walk. That balance though…how is that possible? 

I haven’t figured this out. The other options seem like drowning (doom) or trying to swim away towards solid shore (running away), which seems like a valid idea if I had the energy to do so. 

My reality is, At any moment, the one who owns the rope could cut it and force me to swim (or drown). My control is lost and I am at a loss. HE is in complete control of this life….

Little one

Laying here feeling like my world is gone and a small hand on my back with words “I love you, mom” bring me back. Our world is cruel but this little life so loving and accepting-not blaming even when she’s hurting; so trusting and helpless. She’s held me when I’ve sobbed over the past few months-she asks me questions I can’t answer for her world was shattered. Yet she still looks to God. She has lost so much but she is thankful. Oh to be like this sweet spirit so loving. To forgive and trust without barriers or obstacles. She shines to me like a sun in my dark rooms. We can get through this…thank you, God for giving her to me.

Cauterized

I feel so human and small sometimes. All my pride is gone. My outward beauty has faded with tear stained cheeks. God lives in me and He is my glue holding me together. He promises good and a hope without showing what it is now that we strayed our own ways. So I will take each day one small step by one small step, knowing there will be days I will hurt or fall. 

But I feel like our love endured so much pain-like lighting it on fire. Now it’s cauterized…numb. I will learn from this. Yet I wonder, can two separate people find that spark again when we’ve both changed so much and now there’s so much more hurt and sadness?

I’m cauterized and emotionless…I love but it’s so numb because I hurt so badly. Don’t know how to come back from all of this. I feel weak but I am strong…will take one step at a time…moving forward with life.

When a person breaks

Sometimes maybe there aren’t enough words to describe,

There aren’t actions that could be considered right or understandable

When a person just breaks

There aren’t ways to undo the choices, the actions…

Hurt that can’t be changed-can’t be patched or sewed up

Sometimes we just bleed out all that we are

Our natural instinct is to do the thing we think that is best

to protect the ones or our heart in the way we think we can

But that’s just it

Sometimes God asks us to do something unordinary

That most people might think is crazy

To either break the normal and yield unfathomable love

Or to teach us that when we don’t trust, we miss out

Either way, it takes two to make a decision together

Together two are better than one and with God it’s unbreakable

But sometimes, God gives us the courage to let it go

To break our will and give up to show the other they are first

So when I fall apart, it’s not because I’m weak

It’s because letting you go means you mean more

It means He’s giving me the strength to let you go

No matter how much I love you or miss you.

No matter how the pain has affected me permanently,

I have no more fight left in me-I’m broken.

 

One last ounce

Here I am

Bleeding out

Peacefully sleeping

My heart torn to pieces

Pulse still fighting

For your love

I’ve come to the point where I realize

We had a choice

You thought we chose the same path

But then why I am I watching you

From across this divide?

Wishing I could help you up

But I’m barely keeping my mouth above

The current pulling me under

Knowing I must let go and slip away

Let you walk your path where you think it needs to lead

Hoping it comes back to intersect the path I chose.

You think we are walking parallel

But somewhere along the way

Landslide buried me alive

And left me alone

I’ll take the heat

For the choice we made

Leading you to choose the path you thought best

And I will love you from my grace

Leaving you to your own conviction

Used the last breath I had

Begging you to pull me up

But my voice was silenced

A million other voices in your head

I wasn’t the loud enough one

It’s alright now

I understand I will survive

Never the same as before you

Your choice was somehow so bright

But fleeting

Perhaps I would have been too

My life has the expiration date

You couldn’t take the risk

Blaming until the end

I can’t finish what it is I’m writing. I have so much pain and grief inside me-I don’t know how to cope with this. When I gave a son up for adoption was the closest thing to this. HIs path was different and I had to trust I made the right choice. God speaks to me in specific ways. Very rarely, but He is faithful when I submit to Him. He told me to hold on. He didn’t say how long. He didn’t say what for. 

So I will walk that mountain and place myself on the alter. I will ignite the fire inside and allow God to use me for Him-I have no choice but to let it go. The thought betrays every thread of the being that was written before time began. I am so small and yet my heart was big. I let myself get in the way-selfishness for what I thought I deserved. When really, none of us deserve love. God has given me the best of Him-He blessed me with children and He gave me GRACE. It won’t matter to God how I got there-because I’ll be there. He promised blessings if we submit. I kneel down and put my face down in submission because I don’t want to fight-to be talked to like I don’t have meaning, like it doesn’t matter. You already told me it was my fault a dozen times-that your choices were MY fault. But YOU chose and I have come to terms with it. That is why I am shattered beyond explanation-no words can heal this heart. My soul is at rest because it belongs to God. But my spirit is crushed and I have to fake the joy in all I do. Every day and almost every moment, I ask God to take this task of loneliness and heartache from me-to take what’s left of me. I can date-I can go through motions and laugh. But I was ONE with you. So now, I have to leave. I’m broken. I think you believe that the more we read the stronger I will be to wait and see what could be and instead the more I learn, I realize I have to follow the path I believe He pulled me from-the terrain rocky and difficult is where I will go. Can’t promise I won’t fall. Please don’t expect me not to fail-don’t expect. When you look me in the eyes, and I fall apart, know that I chose you, to fight for this, and in your hardened heart, you chose another. The rejection isn’t something I can embrace and isn’t right, but I will pray for understanding every day.

Sacrifice…you said you’d hate me if I made you choose but you already made that choice. Your choice was before God-not me. Like Abraham having been asked to sacrifice his son for God testing him to see if he would submit or cling to his own will. Abraham took his son to the alter to obey God. He submitted and relinquished his control… 

I will climb up on that alter for you-the choice you couldn’t make and needed control and had tunnel vision to what felt the best justifying it was for her, but denying her the family God may have blessed you with. God told me to let you go…so I will relinquish the bond He gave us and sacrifice my will and my love for you because that’s what you asked. And I will pray that the bond be broken so we can move on.

Time

Sometimes, lately, I just sit in the car praying and asking God why I can’t leave the hardships of this world. He reminded me just now that if He is for me, who can be against me. (Romans 8:31) I am thankful for my faith.  I am thankful for time and being ok with not getting places on time lately because I’m too busy breaking and letting God walk me through His steps constantly-His will, His ways. Because I want to kick and scream and hang up the phone on people who I disagree with but He is showing me grace. He is teaching me that the most valuable things in life are time and a humble spirit. Not time as in being on time. Time in submitting MY time to him. To dedicating the time during or after a rough thought or conversation to Him. Letting Him renew my spirit over and over again. I know that I have damaged relationships that need that time and prayer. I know that the pride that’s shattered and hurt can remain that way for as long as He needs me to stay down. It’s just so hard to stay positive when the world spins the negativity out of control that life’s decisions that are detrimental take a split second and yet the good and wholesome takes years of sowing and care to reap a harvest. 

“Lord, I want to hide my face and cry in shame and grief over all I feel like I’ve lost. I hate the sin that I have committed and I don’t hate myself. Take my guilt and wash these stained hands clean. Take away my thoughts of death and restore them with truth and life. Remind me that you are the healer and true forgiveness is yours-you have removed and forgotten my sins and made me whole.”

How do you take something back

This is what I have asked myself over and over after so many hurtful words and so much pain. There is no comprehension other than Satan had a foothold and it needed to be broken. Every second I’m bombarded with questions in my mind about why I wasn’t good enough, how can I hold on to something, how can I let it go, and what is right or wrong? Sometimes I feel like I don’t know and I just give up. Complacency is bad but humility is good so where is the balance. I have been praying and searching for the true answer. God says to let Him win the battle but he also talks about standing up for what you believe. It’s so confusing. What’s hurtful is knowing someone may read this and not do anything to change their situation, which is why I stopped writing for awhile last month. Don’t use what I say against me if you can’t use it for good to learn. I am done with the past and though Satan will continue to mock me thru others and try to get his foothold back, I know I am forgiven by the only one who matters eternally. No, not by those on this earth evident through actions, but it is enough. I will let Him be enough in my weakness. I will continue to fail and I will continue to fight for what I believe is right and I may lose the battle but in the end, God already won my war so I need to be faithful to Him. Whatever choices He brings along, and no matter which I choose to follow, I will surrender my life to Him…

My heart in pieces is again made whole.

God give me your grace every minute of every hour to walk humbly and meekly in your love.

God is With You

This is taken from the study I just finished called “The Sacred Search” by Gary Thomas and it is worth sharing because so many of us go through life letting marriage or failed marriage define us:

Remember how we started this book? Seek first the kingdom of God. Not a happy marriage. Not an easy marriage. Not even a wise marriage. Those are all noble pursuits, but the first call of every Christian is to fulfill God’s will for their life and to grow in righteousness. Most of us will not be called into a Hosea marriage, but some of you, even after making a careful choice, may well feel Hosea’s pain of betrayal. This will hurt, but it needn’t wreck or define your life if your spiritual priorities are in the proper order.
The truth is, no marriage is easy. There is no guarantee that the person you marry will continue to grow in faith. She may backslide. He may get sick or break psychologically or spiritually. But you’ll be okay. And you’ll grow in the process. That’s a good thing.
So take a deep breath. God isn’t going to leave you. Who you marry will affect you, but that person’ needn’t define you. Don’t lose your joy, wonder, or even happiness as you face this season in your life. Life is a journey walked hand in hand with God. We want to walk in wisdom, but God has plenty of experience helping His children work through the consequences of foolish choices (their own and others’).
Embrace the soul-healing words of Christ: “And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age” (Matt. 28:20).
* Look at your spiritual life, your prayer life, your romantic life. Are you believing that God will be with you always? Do you trust Him?

Prioritizing blended families

I am going to start posting about relationships and children now that I am divorced and there doesn’t seem to be reconciliation in site. It is my hope that if I am ever married again, the husband I have will see eye to eye with me on this. I was brought up to believe that a husband and wife need to put each other and their relationship before that of children. Usually the marriage is first and then children who grow up and then leave and yet a marriage remains. I thought maybe this was just biblical, which it is…but I am also learning that it is in secular psychology as well. In fact, the following is from psychology today:

“Making your kids the centerpiece of your life may seem like a good idea, but generally it’s not. Besides the more obvious risks and dangers such as overprotection, indulgence, and other practices that can lead to a sense of entitlement and prolonged dependency. Making your children’s happiness your highest priority can result in an unanticipated and undesired consequence: the promotion of the idea that marriage requires the sacrifice of one’s personal needs and desires in order to fulfill the higher moral imperative of responsible child rearing. There’s no question that some degree of sacrifice is required for any relationship worth it’s salt to be successful, but the real question for parents is always, “Where is the line between my responsibility to my children, my responsibility to my spouse, and my responsibility to myself?”

When one or both partners make their children’s happiness a higher priority than the health of their marriage, they run the risk of neglecting the needs of the marriage, and in doing so, fostering feelings of resentment, neglect, resignation, and alienation in themselves and/or each other. Even if the consequences aren’t overtly harmful, they can erode the quality of the couples’ connection and give children the message that marriage isn’t a particularly fun place to be much of the time. As most parents know, children sense much more of their parent’s moods, feelings, and attitudes than they outwardly express. Unhappy and unfulfilled parents can lead their kids to conclude that marriage makes people unhappy, or if the focus of their discord centers on child-rearing differences, that they are the source of their parents’ unhappiness.

It’s natural and beneficial for parents to make their children’s well being a high priority. It’s better to err by caring too much than not enough. Still, making the needs of the marriage subordinate to the needs of the children can, as many have discovered the hard way, lead to unexpected consequences. For Betty, the children always came first. She claimed that because her husband Stefan was an adult, he could take care of himself and shouldn’t need much attention. Even as her children grew into adolescence and young adulthood, she never modified her position. She justified her stance and frequently told Stefan, “You’re not giving enough to them, so I have to.” “I’m not focusing on them,” Stefan would respond, “because they need to stand on their own two feet. When are you going to let them grow up?”

“You don’t care about your own children,” Betty would blurt through her tears, and the cycle would continue. They had this conversation hundreds of times over the course of their marriage. Sadly, both were unable to see that the casualties of the impasse were the children, as well as their marriage. For years, their relationship had been starving as a result of a deficit of attention. With both children now grown to adulthood, their marriage had devolved into cold, resentful stagnation.

Betty’s relentless attention to her children was a way of avoiding the real problems in the marriage, which had to do with a lack of intimacy and a loss of trust. Stefan’s unwillingness to nurture the marriage by acknowledging his own loneliness and sadness served to perpetuate the pattern. Ironically, but predictably, the children for whom Betty sacrificed her marriage were also losers in this game. Not only did they lose out on the kind of support they needed to become more independent and responsible themselves, but they missed the opportunity to grow up under the guidance and example of a loving partnership, Betty and Stefan managed to stay together even after their kids moved away from home, but their marriage remained unsatisfying because they never faced their real issues. They stayed together because they were fearful of being alone and opted for the familiarity of the old pattern.

More than anything else we can do for our children, the example of a happy marriage supports and encourages the possibility of creating such a relationship in their lives. The time to experience the true blessings of a marriage is not after the kids have left home. It’ never too early or too late to put your marriage first!”

This was an issue in two/three marriages for me…both similar in personalities but one the children were born into and the other the child was in the process of being adopted (wherein he then chose the child to be adopted over reconciliation). My first husband realized this and repented after the divorce but sadly I was living in sin and didn’t care. Next time, if I don’t stay single, I will make sure whomever I date is on this same page.