One last ounce

Here I am

Bleeding out

Peacefully sleeping

My heart torn to pieces

Pulse still fighting

For your love

I’ve come to the point where I realize

We had a choice

You thought we chose the same path

But then why I am I watching you

From across this divide?

Wishing I could help you up

But I’m barely keeping my mouth above

The current pulling me under

Knowing I must let go and slip away

Let you walk your path where you think it needs to lead

Hoping it comes back to intersect the path I chose.

You think we are walking parallel

But somewhere along the way

Landslide buried me alive

And left me alone

I’ll take the heat

For the choice we made

Leading you to choose the path you thought best

And I will love you from my grace

Leaving you to your own conviction

Used the last breath I had

Begging you to pull me up

But my voice was silenced

A million other voices in your head

I wasn’t the loud enough one

It’s alright now

I understand I will survive

Never the same as before you

Your choice was somehow so bright

But fleeting

Perhaps I would have been too

My life has the expiration date

You couldn’t take the risk

Blaming until the end

I can’t finish what it is I’m writing. I have so much pain and grief inside me-I don’t know how to cope with this. When I gave a son up for adoption was the closest thing to this. HIs path was different and I had to trust I made the right choice. God speaks to me in specific ways. Very rarely, but He is faithful when I submit to Him. He told me to hold on. He didn’t say how long. He didn’t say what for. 

So I will walk that mountain and place myself on the alter. I will ignite the fire inside and allow God to use me for Him-I have no choice but to let it go. The thought betrays every thread of the being that was written before time began. I am so small and yet my heart was big. I let myself get in the way-selfishness for what I thought I deserved. When really, none of us deserve love. God has given me the best of Him-He blessed me with children and He gave me GRACE. It won’t matter to God how I got there-because I’ll be there. He promised blessings if we submit. I kneel down and put my face down in submission because I don’t want to fight-to be talked to like I don’t have meaning, like it doesn’t matter. You already told me it was my fault a dozen times-that your choices were MY fault. But YOU chose and I have come to terms with it. That is why I am shattered beyond explanation-no words can heal this heart. My soul is at rest because it belongs to God. But my spirit is crushed and I have to fake the joy in all I do. Every day and almost every moment, I ask God to take this task of loneliness and heartache from me-to take what’s left of me. I can date-I can go through motions and laugh. But I was ONE with you. So now, I have to leave. I’m broken. I think you believe that the more we read the stronger I will be to wait and see what could be and instead the more I learn, I realize I have to follow the path I believe He pulled me from-the terrain rocky and difficult is where I will go. Can’t promise I won’t fall. Please don’t expect me not to fail-don’t expect. When you look me in the eyes, and I fall apart, know that I chose you, to fight for this, and in your hardened heart, you chose another. The rejection isn’t something I can embrace and isn’t right, but I will pray for understanding every day.

Sacrifice…you said you’d hate me if I made you choose but you already made that choice. Your choice was before God-not me. Like Abraham having been asked to sacrifice his son for God testing him to see if he would submit or cling to his own will. Abraham took his son to the alter to obey God. He submitted and relinquished his control… 

I will climb up on that alter for you-the choice you couldn’t make and needed control and had tunnel vision to what felt the best justifying it was for her, but denying her the family God may have blessed you with. God told me to let you go…so I will relinquish the bond He gave us and sacrifice my will and my love for you because that’s what you asked. And I will pray that the bond be broken so we can move on.

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