Stained canvases

It’s not a pretty painting in my eyes. The canvas was stained from years of painting, scraped away, then repainted. Now I lost the grip I had keeping it from being scraped away again. The stain of those I loved is still fresh now as new strokes of color are being laid down. I know the stains like imprints on my heart, will always be beneath the surface-they can’t be removed. But the painting must continue, this new scene unfolding.

My new normal…. To say it’s easy being single and alone is mild but it’s more difficult when you aren’t forgetting those behind you (not running away). I am trying my hardest to come to terms with this. I’m told intentions aren’t good enough and indeed it is hope that keeps the spark in my life. It’s just still ….so painful. The rejection hurt but letting go of a bond….I never thought life could hurt so much. But part of my healing has to be me letting go. So I am starting over. I’m discovering the balance and understanding boundaries and realizing how healthy I am becoming alone. Trying to do it slowly feels like a fire burning me alive. I just need an end to the pain like ripping off a bandaid and waiting is a slow torture that reminds me every moment that it is Christ that pulls me through this life-I can overcome this trial because He has promised me He is with me. God has told us in His Word that He has a hope and a future with good for us…even if it’s not until I die.

Thoughts

I’m actually in a moment where I can not put anything into words. I feel like I’ve been a horrible person…not the person I am inside and I tried to explain that certain beliefs and expectations and hurts I had made me that way. But it doesn’t matter. Who we are inside and who we will become matters. I know God has a bright future for me because I do believe Him where he says that in Jeremiah. Maybe I will walk this road alone, reconcile, or be with someone else, but I know my joy is in Him and because I’m letting Him take this one…I’m taking all hands off…whatever the outcome, He already knows. There is nothing I can say or do that will change what He already knows. There is no point in worrying about it. Do I feel doomed? Haha, yep….but darkness is a season and the trials only last for a brief moment in the scheme of eternity. My audience is One and He is my Eternity. He gives me hope that He can fix things but only He can. Cara…Cara…. “God so loved you-He gave his only Son to take the sting out of separation from Himself. He gave him for you to be with Him.” I may be sad but in Christ, all things are possible.