Betraying Myself

"My demons mock me as I walk in the cold from class with tears stinging my eyes."

I haven’t written much lately. I have been so consumed with school and my business and family. I don’t know who actually reads my blogs or not nor do I really care as long as in the end some good can come of it. Sometimes I write what I do just to get things off my chest-like my blog is my best friend. I know, I can tell God and heh, believe you me I certainly do tell Him…many times. I cry to Him and yell it out, sometimes begging Him, and always praising Him. Of course, how my life has turned out isn’t His fault but all good is in spite of me and in His glory.

Rambling tonight already…

Basically, I heard this song awhile back from one of my foster kids. It hit a chord with me, especially now this time of year when I feel alone, or at least away from my own parents, and siblings. I’m not necessarily close to any of them. In fact, I have a few friends out there who have stuck with me through everything and lately, things aren’t going well for them. Maybe everyone goes through these feelings of wishing life was something it wasn’t-like a memory mixed with fantasy, because of course, I’m sure in my memory, I’m forgetting all the bleak and dark moments I’ve been through.

My main professor in my major (Criminal Justice) accurately pegged me as having anxiety the other day. He said I spend too much time over-thinking sometimes, especially about the past and the future and that I need to spend more time in the present. Haha, I know that I don’t spend time wishing I could change the past or create some fantasy-filled future though. I do look back on those connections I’ve had in my life and the why as well as the meaning and impact on who I am as a person. Without each person who has been in my life, I would not be this living, breathing, constantly-breaking, yet stronger than super-glue, kind of human being. I am capable. I am strong. I am courageous. But I fall, I fail in my weaknesses, giving into my fear so often. It’s like I’m this walking betrayal of myself; an oxymoron in every way.

Funny, but I remember when my parents took us as kids, through personality tests, I would always be almost identically strong in two areas and they were always seemingly polar opposites. How. Is. That. Possible? I thought, secretly, I must be schizophrenic or something. I always felt like I needed to hide part of who I was because I would seem crazy. Now I embrace my crazy and reflect inwardly on who I am and if there is a deficit somewhere that I can “fix” so that I don’t keep repeating my mistakes in life. Trying is what I do, to a fault. I don’t give up easily, despite being accused of that in marriage several times. I have learned SO much about me these past few years and especially this last year. It’s like every year for the past few years, I feel like I have figured myself out the most. Clearly I am a crazy and complex person-I don’t know how the pieces even fit together. It’s like God dumped out the pieces of a dried up desert and watered them, forcing them to soften and fill in the cracks, connecting into one entity: me.

So how do I keep going seeming like I am this walking contradiction of myself? Am I soft and vulnerable on the inside and tough on the outside? Well, I disagree. I don’t care about the exterior as much, although sometimes I make myself up all pretty. I couldn’t survive the harsh world around me, and the lashings that life has dealt me without being strong inside. My outer shell betrays me-sometimes showing my soft and empathetic heart. My heart is molten and bleeds, erupting in more love than I want to show. But my mind is skilled and tricks me into questioning my feet and where they wander, seeking justice, and truth in all that I do. Is it possible to be a caring person and be in law enforcement? The violence in my past-being beat and raped, then re-victimized in the trauma center is something I still have to face and get over. I have still haven’t written about what happened in 2013, which indicates to me, as a writer, that I haven’t faced it and put it behind me as well as I was able to do with the past.

My demons mock me as I walk in the cold from class with tears stinging my eyes. These insolent “children” who haven’t experienced loss or trauma as I have, that laugh and make light of the rape scenario our lab class is going through. Like tiny needles tapping the rawness of what I went through. The assault I experienced wasn’t the only loss I suffered. Waking up in tiny fragments of time and space and screaming in my head for my daughter, with no one paying any attention to me, not knowing if she was okay. Being told they were keeping my clothing as evidence, what little I had left of being cut off of me. Pounding in my head with searing pain, unable to move or speak-just let tears roll down. My internal anguish from the heartbreak I had just suffered, having my family torn apart, was far worse than not knowing what happened to me when I blacked out-when I was almost killed. The irony of my first ride in a helicopter being me laying strapped down to a hard surface, vibrating my throbbing head against it as I was lifted to a larger scale hospital. Then laying on the large table with a bright light above it. I felt like I had been abducted by aliens, only the ones photographing every inch of my naked and vulnerable body were human. The rape kit inconclusive and the speculations of the deep laceration into my forearm from a knife. The MRI flew by in between blackouts and concluded that I had suffered an unstable spine injury and wouldn’t be able to do anything on my own for awhile-only, all I had was my 4 year old daughter, who I had found out had slept through the whole home invasion (even through the alarm I was able to hit) and found by police in her bed.

I am convinced that had I not gone through a domestic violent relationship, given a child for adoption, left for dead in a hotel room trying to stand up for what I believe, not had cancer, or any of the other less extreme trials in my life that God has slowly strengthened me through, I couldn’t have gone through all this so easily. I did move away, and so facing it wasn’t the same as if I had stayed and advocated for myself. But it drove me to chase after my kids in the town where their dad had moved to. I realized my life has flashed one too many times before my eyes and that I need to spend the rest of it giving to my kids and to those around them who can make it safer and better for them. I am strong and I am a fighter-I will get through whatever God helps me with.

So, here I sit, contemplating why I feel like I’m one soldier in my battle, realizing that even if my life can impact just one person, then my life was not in vain. I am not going to betray who I am and choose the soft sweeter side above the rugged-edged, wild and determined side of who I am. I am going to embrace my past and help anyone who has walked the steps I have with love, showing them that in Christ, all things are possible.

 

3 Days and Counting


Some people are uncomfortable with a person who is depressed or see it and don’t hold their hand out. Those of us who are depressed and hurting want to cry with every word you say to us but fear of you ask us if we’re ok, we’ll fall apart in front of you. The pain is in our eyes and our quiet demeanor. You will know it is “that bad” when the usual chatty person is barely heard and escapes quickly to her seat in church, making as little eye contact as possible. When you’re in the midst of depression, you are like a broken vessel smashed to pieces on the floor-there is no magic fix and no way you can just put yourself together without any help. We need you. Just one person is all it may take and maybe one word reminding us we can’t do this but God can. We will grasp at that tiny shred of hope even when we feel like that’s unreal. It may be the one thing that keeps us alive-I’m not actually joking. 

I pray I will never be this person who goes un-noticing  to any of my friends. When you’re in pain (physical or emotional or all of the above), reach out your hand and don’t be afraid to ask for help. Even if it’s just something vague. Be real about your pain-someone else has been there, I promise you. 

Thank you to my friends who have been there in my darkest moments. It’s been 3 days…. (Took the picture above during my darkest moment while trying to look “together” on the outside.)

I posted the following to my Facebook page this morning (something that is uncharacteristic of me-I don’t like to air out my filth on Facebook but rather put my prettiest side forward):

“Failure-it’s something I’ve finally come to terms with and have admitted to those closest to me about how I’ve felt for 10 years. I completely broke-to my kids, to myself, to life…and everyone. 

I’m reading through a study called “Working Through Failure” (because after so many failures, I have learned there’s nothing I can do but fail). In my study today, this stuck out to me:

“It’s not human nature to be happy despite our circumstances; we want to be happy because of our circumstances…. In his book, Winning Smart After Losing Big, entrepreneur Rob Stearns echoes this perspective regarding his own failures. Stearns writes that there’s a big difference between experiencing a failure and being a failure: “You are the same person after your loss as you were before your loss.” It is strength of character that enables us to get up and keep moving when we’ve failed.”

The verse that coincides with this thinking is this: 

“Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.”

Philippians 4:11-13 NLT

http://bible.com/116/php.4.11-13.nlt

Indeed, when everything else in the world fails you and you can’t trust yourself not to fail, that is a great place to be because knowing only One who can intercede in the only thing we need-He is enough. 

A friend reminded me yesterday (you know who you are) that it’s not that God won’t give us more than we can handle-We aren’t supposed to be able to handle it and that’s the point. We need to be able to give our burdens to the only One who is strong enough to carry them.”

“I know where I’m at

I’m standing at the back

And I’m tired of waiting

Waiting here in line, hoping that I’ll find what I’ve been chasing.
I shot for the sky

I’m stuck on the ground

So why do I try, I know I’m gonna fall down

I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?

Never know why it’s coming down, down, down.
Not ready to let go

Cause then I’d never know

What I could be missing

But I’m missing way too much

So when do I give up what I’ve been wishing for.
I shot for the sky

I’m stuck on the ground

So why do I try, I know I’m gonna fall down

I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?

Never know why it’s coming down, down, down.

Oh I am going down, down, down

I can’t find another way around

And I don’t want to hear the sound, of losing what I never found.
I shot for the sky

I’m stuck on the ground

Why do I try, I know I’m gonna fall down

I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?

I’ll never know why it’s coming down, down, down.
I shot for the sky

I’m stuck on the ground

Why do I try, I know I’m gonna fall down

I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?

Oh, it’s coming down, down, down.”

Lightning

It happens in the least expected way-the calm and then the sudden burst of energy ensuing complacency. It’s like the wall of apathy built around oneself slowly deteriorates and then someone penetrates that protective barrier. The disruption is a fast and sudden onset of rage and emotion all at once.

Lightning

You

Again at this game

Carrying on like it’s nothing

Playing in the field

While the clouds circle high

Darkening

As I focus on the predictable

The overhanging cliff I climb

The strength I know so well

Pulling myself up

Focusing on the goal

The dream I have

Knowing you will be there to catch me

And will meet me at the top

But I didn’t see the clouds lower

The pressure dropping

So consumed in my path

And the water pelting down

Not seeing you under me

Nor hearing the slow rumble overhead

Like my temper tantrum brewing

About to stomp my foot

Slam the door

And scream it out

And so it goes

Lightning strikes

Piercing all concentration

You stumble…

Falling

Hands failing

Loosening your grip on the ties that bind

And I slip

Rope running through quickly

Breath catching as I catch speed

And crash

Lightning strikes