God is With You

This is taken from the study I just finished called “The Sacred Search” by Gary Thomas and it is worth sharing because so many of us go through life letting marriage or failed marriage define us:

Remember how we started this book? Seek first the kingdom of God. Not a happy marriage. Not an easy marriage. Not even a wise marriage. Those are all noble pursuits, but the first call of every Christian is to fulfill God’s will for their life and to grow in righteousness. Most of us will not be called into a Hosea marriage, but some of you, even after making a careful choice, may well feel Hosea’s pain of betrayal. This will hurt, but it needn’t wreck or define your life if your spiritual priorities are in the proper order.
The truth is, no marriage is easy. There is no guarantee that the person you marry will continue to grow in faith. She may backslide. He may get sick or break psychologically or spiritually. But you’ll be okay. And you’ll grow in the process. That’s a good thing.
So take a deep breath. God isn’t going to leave you. Who you marry will affect you, but that person’ needn’t define you. Don’t lose your joy, wonder, or even happiness as you face this season in your life. Life is a journey walked hand in hand with God. We want to walk in wisdom, but God has plenty of experience helping His children work through the consequences of foolish choices (their own and others’).
Embrace the soul-healing words of Christ: “And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age” (Matt. 28:20).
* Look at your spiritual life, your prayer life, your romantic life. Are you believing that God will be with you always? Do you trust Him?

Life is worth Living

Here I am working on homework again; homework that constantly challenges my thoughts on life, crime, Justice, and passion. When everything boils down, I’m not afraid to die…not afraid to make a stand for what is truth. Knowing the background of criminal justice and understanding it from a Christian perspective is sort of similar to having become a foster (and adoptive) parent. Even when life is rough, like really crazy and tough, you keep thriving. Life is so crazy: unfair, yes, but HE said HE would take our burdens. It is something I constantly fall back on. Man I would be a mess with my Heavenly Father and His forgiveness. 

I’m often told I have a big heart. Huh, it isn’t bigger than any other’s, but really, it’s been a broken mess for the last decade. Losing children and not being able to see them every day is heartbreak that I could have turned around and blamed on God-especially because wasn’t it He who their dad used to take them away and his so called Christian lawyer that took every good and amazing trait God gave me and twisted it to make me seem like a bad person? The one who couldn’t admit that in his heart he’d been committing the same crime for which I committed once in flesh when HE looks at all sin as equal. And yet, when my friends ask why and how can God allow innocent children like Victoria Martin, to be brutally murdered, “a child who needs protection,” I can say that it is HE who is protecting soooo much more. No that doesn’t mean there are hazards or ones who He’s allowed to slip through. For one, we don’t know HIS plan, and for two, HE may have known how badly this child needed to go HOME to be with HIM. There are no tears or pains in heaven. This is practically Hell at least for some…certainly was for Victoria. My heart hurts for her and the acts committed by those who God gave to protect her wereunfathomable. 

One of my deepest struggles is being able to give myself over completely to HIM. It’s possible though, and when I allowed God to break me totally this year, He blessed me with a business and a renewed determination to reach for the passions He’s given me. I first was passionate about teens and wanting to start a business havingsometging to do with them…but Spokane had a teen program, so it didn’t make sense to my friends and family. God knew that. He had plans for me in New Mexico…one of the most notorious criminal playgrounds in the USA. I never thought that growing up with so much protection and then learning how bad the world really was would lead me into a mission of learning the law and enforcing it, but with humility. 

The greatest thing I want everyone to see in my life is the mercy. The fact that I’m just as imperfect as the criminals and that the only thing that sets me apart is the other fact that God lives in me…shining through the broken heart He so graciously allowed me to have (I consider it a privilege). So yeah, my life is super hard to get through sometimes. I don’t WANT to deal with my broken heart. I don’t LIKE scrounging for the money to pay bills. But ha-life is about relationships and others AND I promised God when He physically and spiritually brought me back to life almost 9 years ago, that this life was HIS. He only gave me passion and the next step in each way of my path and even when I tried to veer away, He’s stayed by and pulled me back. I know I NEED Christ like I need air-more! But I already died in the hands of violence and defending truth once, so I am willing to take that chance of dying that way again (as an officer) and I KNOW that I am living the life He’s gifted me with to the fullest and as transparent as possible. You can not look at what I’ve been through and not see HIS handiwork! It’s just too much. 

Anyway, here is a song that struck a chord in me today:

It’s  “Life Is Worth Living” by Justin Bieber (hey, he has been through a lot and is also a product of grace). 

Ended up on a crossroad

Try to figure out which way to go

It’s like you’re stuck on a treadmill

Running in the same place

You got your hazard lights on now

Hoping that somebody would slow down

Praying for a miracle

Who’ll show you grace?

Had a couple dollars and a quarter tank of gas

With a long journey ahead

Seen a truck pull over

God sent an angel to help you out

He gave you direction

Showed you how to read a map

With a long journey ahead

Said it ain’t over

Oh, even in the midst of doubt
Life is worth living

Life is worth living, so live another day

The meaning of forgiveness

People make mistakes, doesn’t mean you have to give in

Life is worth living again


Relationship on a ski slope

Avalanche comin’ down slow

Do we have enough time to salvage this love?

Feels like a blizzard in April

‘Cause my heart is just that cold

Skating on thin ice

But it’s strong enough to hold us up

Seen her scream and holler

Put us both on blast

Tearing each other down

When I thought it was over

God sent us an angel to help us out

He gave us direction, showed us how to make it last

For that long journey ahead

Said it ain’t ever over

Oh, even in the midst of doubt


Life is worth living

Life is worth living, so live another day

The meaning of forgiveness

People make mistakes, doesn’t mean you have to give in

Life is worth living again

Life is worth living again


What I’d give for my affection

Is a different perception

From what the world may see

They try to crucify me

I ain’t perfect, won’t deny

My reputation’s on the line

So I’m working on a better me


Life is worth living

Life is worth living, so live another day

The meaning of forgiveness

People make mistakes

Only God can judge me

Life is worth living again

Another day

Life is worth living again

Aha! You saw it, didn’t you?! He says “people make mistakes, only God can judge me…” And you’re thinking he’s using that as an excuse? Um, no! Stop that! Stop judging! See? Unless you haven’t ever had any sins or “mistakes” in your life, you can not “throw stones” (judge). No one is perfect. It’s our human nature to judge and blame. We need to learn to accept responsibility and be repentant for only our own actions. I guess I say this because I’m still judged. Even my ex husband still tries to make me feel guilty when it’s he who played dirty in court and tried to turn false accusations on me to get our kids. Why have I not fought this? Because even if my kids don’t see it, I know God did…and He is the only who matters to me. Has it hurt? Oh my goodness! When my old church let him help and lead kids and told me I couldn’t, because of what “I’d done” and then allowed his girlfriend who left her husband for him to help, what a slap! But you see? People judge! God doesn’t and even then He reminded me that no one could keep using that against me. It was like the one mark I couldn’t escape, and it was so hard because I even tried to reconcile and was rejected. I gave my baby up for adoption because I knew it was best for him and the older kids’ dad even said I was taking the easy way out-that I should have to live with my mistakes. :/ A child deserves nothing but the best and I hope my kids know that I have put them first even if it’s not until they read this some day. I was told that my child conceived out of wedlock would get to see his dad who went to prison for what he did to me, who wanted him to grow up and kill his “white” brother. I was told I wanted to stay with this man when in reality, he told me every gruesome way he would kill my dad in front of me if I ever left him. So, yeah, I made decisions on what I thought would be best and the consequences of my sin are real but I would have never understood God’s grace like I do now. Like I said, each of us is sinful-no one is perfect. We don’t know God’s plan for each one of us. All we can do is walk with God, one step at a time. 

Life is worth living again.

Life Uncut

Today I am writing out of grief. So many awful things happening in our society and one always thanks God for the family, home, comfortable life, or what not that they have and that it’s not “them.” But it is someone…. You may not know them personally but they are suffering more than you can imagine.

What if something happened to someone you knew-in your family? What would your reaction be and how would you handle it? I know it is unfair to ask this of my readers because quite honestly, until something significantly awful happens, it isn’t possible to gauge how one would react. We all have our own ways to cope.

Today is a day of coping. Something significant happened last week and it will forever affect our family. It’s one of those things that you want to just go on and pretend like everything is normal and okay but is it? Will it be? You know events in our lives don’t just disappear as if they never happened, as much as we try to make them. There is nothing that can recall this nor can anything be taken back and as a parent, I’m every emotion thinkable right now.

Sunday at church was a message I had been looking forward to: When God Doesn’t Make Sense. But as it turns out, the pastor’s message spoke right to me in what is going on. There were no silver linings-no fluffy feelings that all would “get better.” But the message was God’s purpose and how we don’t have to understand God’s plan to understand His purpose. He has a purpose in everything even every bad thing that happens. (You can catch the message here: http://www.life.church/watch/when-god-doesnt-make-sense/

Maybe God is allowing us to go through this to make us closer or is trying to make something clear to us through this, but whatever the case, He has a purpose and a plan and it is for good…no matter what we feel (painfully) or how much we do not understand. Pastor Craig, in his message, talked about the story of John the Baptist and how he asked Jesus for help and Jesus could have helped John but His purpose was elsewhere and in the end, John was beheaded. It is a gruesome story and not one of hope but one of understanding: God is bigger and greater and omnipotent, all-knowing. There will come a day that we have served God’s purpose here on earth and will be reunited with Him in heaven and although my temporal mom-ness is feeling distressed, angry, and hurting, I know that this is just that temporal.

Are there happy endings? Sometimes.  But knowing Christ isn’t a free and/or easy ride. It isn’t the easy thing, it’s oftentimes choosing what is harder and more challenging, because He said so. He grants us life…uncut and graphic.

the valley of solace

rest stop in las cruces july 2014

there is a place

down between those mountains

where happiness seems to thrive

joy seems inevitable

and no stumbling blocks in sight

but it isn’t green grass

nor happiness that drives

rather, the peace is in knowing

He is in control

the solace I find

in the valley

it’s not being alone

it’s not life getting easier

it’s in not knowing what lies over the horizon

it’s in knowing I can not control life

solace is found

at the feet of One

in letting Him lead me

one step at a time

into the great unknown

whether it is up another mountain

through the fire

falling down on my path

God is my refuge and my valley

He is my solace