Peace

This is my sanctuary

Where I rest 

I inhale the courage 

And regain my strength

To go back out

Into the world so chaotic

Where life is a mess

But inside this place

Where I feel at home

I feel blessed and in awe

At the wholeness I feel

He lifted me up

When I was so far down

He tore the bonds

Of a life with no hope

He put fire in my heart

Made it feel renewed 

Passion in my soul

He ignited again

At last I’m at peace

Even through all the pain

In the quiet I find

You whisper the best

Calling me to you

My refuge my home.

Velocity

Every day is passing

Just another blink of an eye

Clouds ahead, thunder rolling

The ants tell me rain is coming

Close my eyes, take a breath

Preparing for the storm

Velocity rising

Pain seering deeper 

As ecstasy approaches

My mind is racing

Heart is pounding

The swords clashing

Lightning flashing

As the heavens shake loudly

Warring over my fate

The battle is cleansing

For my defenses ready

Walls are high

Like the fortress concealing

My heart already shattered

Pieced together healing

Will we jump into our life

Or hold back until it’s too late?

Only the quickening

Of the clock will reveal.

Making senseĀ 

Life I had determined is a web of communications and miscommunications…at least any more. The “old days” were people courting and seeing each other face to face without distractions of others through social media-or exes popping up. People moved forward. Now it seems like people move forward then backward or sideways. So much happens (some good) because of texting or Facebook, or dating sites. Even phone calls on cell phones happened more than half my lifetime ago. It’s sad to take a look at how relationships fail or never even start all because of miscommunicating. Why is it so hard to commit emotionally to someone? It’s like there is too much fear now because of all the means we’ve given ourselves to find someone else.

I’m hurt. And my pain is simmering. I don’t know what the future holds anymore. I am convinced I’m meant to live my life alone and I’ve resigned to this…God is enough. The thought of moving on from being alone and finding anything more again is not appealing. Perhaps someday…only He knows.

Thoughts

I’m actually in a moment where I can not put anything into words. I feel like I’ve been a horrible person…not the person I am inside and I tried to explain that certain beliefs and expectations and hurts I had made me that way. But it doesn’t matter. Who we are inside and who we will become matters. I know God has a bright future for me because I do believe Him where he says that in Jeremiah. Maybe I will walk this road alone, reconcile, or be with someone else, but I know my joy is in Him and because I’m letting Him take this one…I’m taking all hands off…whatever the outcome, He already knows. There is nothing I can say or do that will change what He already knows. There is no point in worrying about it. Do I feel doomed? Haha, yep….but darkness is a season and the trials only last for a brief moment in the scheme of eternity. My audience is One and He is my Eternity. He gives me hope that He can fix things but only He can. Cara…Cara…. “God so loved you-He gave his only Son to take the sting out of separation from Himself. He gave him for you to be with Him.” I may be sad but in Christ, all things are possible.

Balancing a tight rope

No one ever climbs a mountain with the intention of falling off unless they have a death wish. Much the same, I’m sure most of us wouldn’t go into a marriage if we thought there was any chance of it not working out. So much is lost in love and war-in the conflict between flesh and spirit. We make our vows before God to cherish and love the other person in sickness and in health, for better or worse, for richer or poorer (I mean c’mon guys…), till death do us part and then what do we do? Throw lame excuses at why it should happen or why it happened. Are we failures? Yes-yes we are. People try to make you feel good and say we’re not but giving up is never winning in a marriage-ever. When one climbs a mountain,  you are partners and that can’t change. One can’t just quit and climb down on their own and leave the other stranded persay. But if one falls or gives up, the other person is there to help them to safety-to literally hold their weight and catch them when they fall. 

I love the analogies I had for climbing because they’re so spot on with God as the anchor and the rope as the marriage. Kids watch the method and learn too. Sometimes they veer away and go climbing alone-fall down and they learn that they need help when climbing and navigating life’s difficulties.

Right now I feel like I have fallen and was drowning in a vast ocean. I was able to pull myself to safety and now I’m on a tightrope that I am just partly hanging on to. Balancing is barely an option as I’ve been plummeted from what was to certain doom and now hope if I could just learn to get on the rope and walk. That balance though…how is that possible? 

I haven’t figured this out. The other options seem like drowning (doom) or trying to swim away towards solid shore (running away), which seems like a valid idea if I had the energy to do so. 

My reality is, At any moment, the one who owns the rope could cut it and force me to swim (or drown). My control is lost and I am at a loss. HE is in complete control of this life….

Little one

Laying here feeling like my world is gone and a small hand on my back with words “I love you, mom” bring me back. Our world is cruel but this little life so loving and accepting-not blaming even when she’s hurting; so trusting and helpless. She’s held me when I’ve sobbed over the past few months-she asks me questions I can’t answer for her world was shattered. Yet she still looks to God. She has lost so much but she is thankful. Oh to be like this sweet spirit so loving. To forgive and trust without barriers or obstacles. She shines to me like a sun in my dark rooms. We can get through this…thank you, God for giving her to me.

Cauterized

I feel so human and small sometimes. All my pride is gone. My outward beauty has faded with tear stained cheeks. God lives in me and He is my glue holding me together. He promises good and a hope without showing what it is now that we strayed our own ways. So I will take each day one small step by one small step, knowing there will be days I will hurt or fall. 

But I feel like our love endured so much pain-like lighting it on fire. Now it’s cauterized…numb. I will learn from this. Yet I wonder, can two separate people find that spark again when we’ve both changed so much and now there’s so much more hurt and sadness?

I’m cauterized and emotionless…I love but it’s so numb because I hurt so badly. Don’t know how to come back from all of this. I feel weak but I am strong…will take one step at a time…moving forward with life.

When a person breaks

Sometimes maybe there aren’t enough words to describe,

There aren’t actions that could be considered right or understandable

When a person just breaks

There aren’t ways to undo the choices, the actions…

Hurt that can’t be changed-can’t be patched or sewed up

Sometimes we just bleed out all that we are

Our natural instinct is to do the thing we think that is best

to protect the ones or our heart in the way we think we can

But that’s just it

Sometimes God asks us to do something unordinary

That most people might think is crazy

To either break the normal and yield unfathomable love

Or to teach us that when we don’t trust, we miss out

Either way, it takes two to make a decision together

Together two are better than one and with God it’s unbreakable

But sometimes, God gives us the courage to let it go

To break our will and give up to show the other they are first

So when I fall apart, it’s not because I’m weak

It’s because letting you go means you mean more

It means He’s giving me the strength to let you go

No matter how much I love you or miss you.

No matter how the pain has affected me permanently,

I have no more fight left in me-I’m broken.