I have been asking myself lately what quality I want to have and work on the most that I don’t already have or one that I need to continue to work on. Yes, I am incredibly honest and I’m engaging, … Continue reading
“What if…” “If only…”
Such an elusive way to think.
This is me.
Someone took a chance on me.
They trusted and freely gave
And then they forgot
Their reasons fading away
Like water through my fingers
They left me alone
I couldn’t decide which thing I must have done wrong to have deserved it.
But I thought, “what if I had…”
And in the end, I now know it wouldn’t have made a difference.
There are many things in my life that I think to myself that I would change if I was given the opportunity, and yet, I am happy for the wisdom I have through it all.
Yet, I still go through this constantly.
Teeter-tottering on the concept of failure versus success.
Someone else took a chance on me.
I was tough now-more secure.
They accepted me and I them.
But I wasn’t enough in the end.
I found that out through heart-ache and tears.
Head and heart beaten to pulp.
I had lost, again.
I wasn’t looking in the right place.
If ONLY someone who I already trusted was with me, it would be different.
But this time I wouldn’t get so deep.
Another heart-ache…what is wrong?
Like a rag doll…once a cared for possession but tossed aside.
I longed for it,
But grew to trust only me.
Then it happened!
My long lost ONE!
I took a chance.
I rocked my world and went all in.
Full throttle into the life I thought was right.
I wanted him to take a chance on me too.
I thought he did, but still undecided.
And then wavered…
He couldn’t give me the chance-it conflicted with the life he desired.
And again, I was alone.
More alone than ever-and broken.
But what is broken can let in more love-more hope.
I trusted and I found one.
No chances taken-I just said let it be, whatever it may be.
Don’t take a chance, but believe in me.
I have a few friends who have taken that chance on me-they have believed in me when others wouldn’t.
They watch me fall flat on my face…
And get back up each time-tear stains down my dirtied cheeks.
But they LOVE…they ACCEPT the inevitable ME.
They don’t know my outcome and they’ve seen (or heard of) my so-called “failures.”
And yet, they still took the chance on me-they counted on me to pull through.
My challenge to you is to take that chance and continue to have faith in someone even if and when it is not what you expect.
I am preaching to myself right now because I want the “what if” and “I hope” to work itself into reality but the fact of the matter is that it is me putting expectations on someone and that isn’t fair. Hope is good-unconditional love is BETTER! Acceptance in SPITE of someone’s outward appearance or maybe a stigma-a label. It’s hard to walk in someone else’s shoes. And that is why I am happy I have had so many unsuccessful relationships in life, because it has taught me all of this-Love is eternal and people will come and go. (Yes, you read that right.) I have been torn and tattered. I have been abused in almost every way in my past and who I am-how I am is too much for most people (family, spouse, friends included). I have lost much, but I have not lost ME-and GOD has never lost ME. HE loves ME-for ME! HE knows where I am going and what will happen and HE takes a chance on me and that I will follow and love Him and do what HE says (definitely not because it’s popular).
When I was climbing, I learned to trust each hold and each path I chose. When you lead, in rock climbing, you literally “commit” when you reach out and put all of your weight on a crimp or a smear and you “commit” to that route (you usually can’t go backwards unless you
fail fall). It’s so similar in life-you have to take that chance, trust, and then commit. It’s actually a pretty simple formula. Then if you fall, you try another route and eventually…hopefully stronger in the end, you make it to your destination.
I don’t like sounding like I’m preaching and I know if you are like me, you won’t just read this and learn it-you’ll have to live it just as I had. If you don’t take a chance on someone, you may never know how amazing they are or will become. And you will never know how their ripples will affect you. This may be on a loved one, lover, child, parent, co-worker, friend. I don’t know, it may actually be that you need to take a chance on you.
Whatever the case, you are thinking of something right now that you need to take that chance on…something you just need to know. Maybe you won’t and you will never know. Sometimes I think to myself with a smirk that I have come such a long way and done so much more than anyone who had taken the chance on me and then given up would have ever thought possible But I don’t do these things for them…they’re because it is just the path I’ve walked. No, I haven’t always “walked in the path that God willed” I’m sure…but He knew before the world was in motion that I would walk this path and He promises in Jeremiah that “For I know the plans I have for you…plans of good and not evil.” We just need a little perspective to see how God equips us for those hardships and brings forth the best in each of us if we let him.
Ok, haha! I got a little preachy and I’m sorry. I guess I was having a moment looking back at some old poems from the past and realizing just how much I’ve come through-all which I would never have had the strength to go alone. I struggle a LOT (hey-no one said this is easy), with who I am and why I was never “enough” for those who supposedly committed to me. I have high expectations sometimes-more for myself than others. And when someone does seemingly take a chance on me now, I have a hard time trusting. I push them away and don’t talk to them much because I am afraid of not being what they “thought” and then feeling disappointed when they leave my life. I will share an experience from my younger years that has stuck with me for a long time. When I was in 8th grade, I was living in a 5th-8th grade girls dorm in a tiny boarding school in Bolivia, South America. The prior year I had been in a large public school in the US (my parents went to the US every few years for a year “furlough”), so I knew none of the rules at this boarding school for this age. Well, within weeks, I was breaking (pretty innocently) rules and my dorm parents sat me down in their office. Their words will always sting-they told me they had expected me to be an angel since they knew my parents and they were disappointed in me. WOW! That hurt…and I believe that was the first of many disappointing moments in my life.
Anyway, take the chance, trust, and commit. That is my challenge to you-to myself.
Reflections of the moon ripple gently along the dark liquid mirror
A symbol of perfection like a polished glass heart smiling up at the night sky
Serene and silky, seducing all the senses, fooling those who gaze upon her
The slow churn of water under the surface is subtle and obscure
A forbidden abyss of mystery and danger
But the magical beauty lures and deceives those who mistake her
Those who have fallen through the crevasses of the icy surface
Only to know the strong current of what lies beneath, pulling deeper
Entrapping any who dare to pry behind the barrier of light
The frozen emotions on the surface so thick and strong
But the bold and bright sun bearing down warms and caresses her icy exterior
Exposing the torrents of water beneath
Just enough that her waves start to transform into a cool transparent spring
And the vulnerable waters of her soul shine brightly from the deep
Then a surge of light and deep rumble loudly piercing the calm air
Striking the open waters and forcing the vibrant chasm closing in and icing over
Stifling tear drops under the surface of the shell allowed to momentarily melt
As the dark clouds overhead beat down rain, bouncing off her icy shoulders
Now heavy laden with layers of protection from a storm until the sky clears
And then with sultry admonition, she shines from below the frozen exterior
Knowing the chaos stirring underneath is lost inside her glassy heart of ice.