I have been asking myself lately what quality I want to have and work on the most that I don’t already have or one that I need to continue to work on. Yes, I am incredibly honest and I’m engaging, … Continue reading
It happens in the least expected way-the calm and then the sudden burst of energy ensuing complacency. It’s like the wall of apathy built around oneself slowly deteriorates and then someone penetrates that protective barrier. The disruption is a fast and sudden onset of rage and emotion all at once.
Again at this game
Carrying on like it’s nothing
Playing in the field
While the clouds circle high
As I focus on the predictable
The overhanging cliff I climb
The strength I know so well
Pulling myself up
Focusing on the goal
The dream I have
Knowing you will be there to catch me
And will meet me at the top
But I didn’t see the clouds lower
The pressure dropping
So consumed in my path
And the water pelting down
Not seeing you under me
Nor hearing the slow rumble overhead
Like my temper tantrum brewing
About to stomp my foot
Slam the door
And scream it out
And so it goes
Piercing all concentration
Loosening your grip on the ties that bind
And I slip
Rope running through quickly
Breath catching as I catch speed
The sun shines brightly
Grass green and flowers blooming
Picture perfect, portrait on the wall
We function well
Carrying on this disillusionment
And then one day
A glitch in our system
The facade falls from the frame
Shattering into a million pieces
Leaving behind the nakedness
Truth is life’s ugly
But we cover up our lives
With pretty things
Keeping our world full
Children and what looks like God
But what happens?
When the portrait’s facade falls away?
When life’s rawness revealing
Our imperfection to all
Comes into focus
Only One to know us
To pick up the pieces
And carry us through these hardships
Let everything go
Let it be real and imperfect
Cry and tell Him you’re hurting
And let Him work it out
Or you can
Buy another picture
Cover up the bleeding
And continue basking in the sun
Of your picture perfect life.
There are days when the world feels like it goes against me. Everything I say and do seems to irritate and everything that’s said or done towards me just rubs the salt into the rawness. Likely, I am trying so hard to climb UP, that in my incessant trying and perpetuating speed, I end up digging a hole-deeper, and instead of going forward, I regress. I guess one could compare it to quicksand: you fight to get out of a pit and instead you sink deeper.
Those days, I look back at how I’m cramming every second of time with more time-consuming opportunities, convincing myself that they are helping me get somewhere, but really, are they? I take two steps forward, and slide right back down.
I’d like to know my efforts aren’t in vain…and I guess I somehow wish that this is a dream from which I will awake and everything will be perfect:
I’ll wake up in the morning (well rested) to a clean house, go on a nice jog, kiss my honey goodbye as he leaves for work, talk to my daughter while I cook her breakfast, get her on the school bus, then drive to work, getting there plenty early of course! (I know…don’t laugh.) After a prosperous day at work (because I’ll be doing what I love like owning a business or working as a police officer, fighting crime), I’ll go pick up my daughter from her after-school program, where all her homework would have been done and I’ll see a great report from her teacher on how helpful and obedient she was. I’ll drive home and start cooking dinner and just then, my husband will walk in the door and come to kiss me immediately because he missed me so much. After he changes, he’ll come to the kitchen and finish prepping dinner and setting the table with me. We will all sit down at the table and say grace, then eat our well-balanced meal talking to each other about our day (no cell phones). After dinner, we will clean up together and then I’ll throw in some laundry while my daughter gets ready for bed and my love feeds our well-behaved dogs that are a little mischievous sometimes. Then we will tuck in my little girl together and go sit on the couch, me doing homework, and him watching his sports and catching up on news. After I finish, (and switch out the laundry), we’ll go take a shower together, maybe somewhere in there…he’ll passionately start kissing me and tell me how beautiful I am, and then…maybe some other things…. Then, we’ll finish folding laundry and make sure the house is tidied before we lay down for the night, snuggled up in each other’s arms. Sigh…
I know, some fairy tale huh. I think I have to wake up and realize no one is perfect-no life is perfect and happiness and joy is about what you choose in spite of a dirty house, running late, not having enough time in the day to get everything done that should be, juggling family life, and trying to shush up about my apparent irrational expectations about partnership.
And, life goes on….
Every new dawn awakens with the sun
A bright future and a fresh start
The worries of the long night fading away
Melting away the fear once there
Each day means life and happiness
To those who care to awaken and celebrate
No matter what the darkness held
Even in spite of the pain
And with every heart beat growing stronger
The night feels less a weight
Until the morning and night blend so well
Never feeling dark and lonely again
Tonight is not yet there
I am hopeful but the light isn’t as the day
I am not troubled or in fear though
I know tomorrow will soon be here
Just a short and quick little poem after heart-searching with so much in my life right now going on at once. I keep being asked if I think I’m taking on too much. Nope, I am not. Never been more sure of some of these things as of anything in my life. Relating back to my rock climbing experiences, once you have embarked on a lead climb, you can’t just back up or change your mind. Trust me! I can’t remember the name of the climb, but it was at Taquitz in California. I decided to lead a decently difficult climb-we were about halfway up the side of this mountain already. (It was a 5 pitch (tiered for those of you who don’t know the lingo) climb and I was still fairly new at all this, but I was strong. (This was about May of 2013.) As I went up, I was told to keep veering to the right on…well…nothing but tiny little crimpholds and places my climbing shoes were barely sticking to as I smeared them on the wall. Then we realized I was doing a MUCH harder route (each pitch has various levels of difficulty) and haha…what could I do? I was leading. To go back or change my mind meant falling, and swinging. Not fun, especially when solid rock and gnarly branches await you. So, I made do. I sort of fumbled back, frightened, a different way than anything intended to climb, towards the route I should have been on. My partner who was belaying me couldn’t really help, even when he could see me, as if I fell, I was on lead and my nearest protection (which I had put in) was yards away. Of course, I had to get back to it at some point or my partner who followed would have to go the same messed up route I did and clean it (protection is special rock-climbing gear you place in the cracks where you can so that if you fall, it will hold you (if you placed it right)…catch you. And FYI, it basically when you fall, your distance is about double the distance you were from your last piece of protection…but your life is usually saved. Not to go off on too much more of a rabbit trail, but yes, at some point, the only way back onto the correct path was to purposely fall, which sucked mentally and I don;t recommend it without prior falling training.
The moral of the story is that with anything we do in life, obviously we should try to make sure we are on the correct path, but that is not always possible. Committing yourself to the path you take seems like the only logical option. You can’t go back once you have gone forward. There are going to be frightening times, but it gets easier, right? And someday this will all be over anyway. 😉 Yes, I realize falls happen here and there even though we do not usually intend for them to happen. BUT…making those commitments in life and working through them are so important.
Night? Morning? “I don’t understand,” you say? Well, you know how when you’re a kid, night and darkness is scary! You may have bad dreams. The thunder may scare you. Weird shadows and noises are scary. Everything just looms bigger and badder (that’s not a word, I know)! But when the morning arrives, you wake up and you’re wondering Wow! What was I so afraid of? Nothing seems as bad in the morning, right? Well, eventually, with practice, we learn that when we take things in stride and turn everything into a positive outlook, it makes those nights get brighter and less ominous. I will get there…and usually I am not up at midnight writing or thinking either. i had just read my last post as I had to edit and re post a portion of it and it got me to thinking. “This too shall pass” was my favorite saying as a teenager and young mom. Now, I can’t wait until tomorrow-to see what fun and exciting and challenging things await!
God may not have given YOU the ability to handle MY problems (which is why if you’re reading this and you know all I am taking on, you’re freaking out)! Funny thing is I don’t see them as problems! I see them as solutions to who I am…complicated little pieces of a large puzzle that is going to be unbelievable someday.
My perspective is sooo much different than most.
Have a good night everyone! 🙂
Sitting here atop this peak I’m on
Looking down at the beauty beneath
Wondering how I got up this high
Knowing there is no where else to go but down
The waters below show me where I’m at
They reveal where I’ve been
The reflections of my journey here
I see love and laughter
Hope of things to come
Anticipation for the future as we climbed together
All the multi-pitched trust and determination
Giggles of children playing below
Watching and learning wherever we would go
We climbed and hiked this route
Anchored in deep so as not to fall
Or so we thought
But the anchors were loose
Aged from time and climbers falling hard on them
Knowing a safe climb down is not possible
Letting go of the rope that binds us
We jump head first
Not seeing the other
Falling headlong into the deep waters below
Breaking the reflections of our past
They will be no more
Drowned out now by currents of new life
Looking up at the peak from whence I fell
Will I climb that mountain again?
See my reflection in this mere puddle I’m in
Maybe…time will only tell
So, I wrote this little blurb this morning based on my mood, as is my custom. I mentioned previously that I’ve climbed some pretty mighty (metaphorical) mountains during my lifetime already. I feel like I am at the top of one now, looking over the edge and ready to jump-freefall if you will-into the unknown. It is a scary time for me and yet exciting. Part of me thinks, yeah, I can handle any mountain now! And the other side is saying, no…I can’t handle the difficult journey or the fall again. I have been waging a war inside and outside with what has been going on in my life. It is still too raw to share details, but suffice to say, it is the largest thing I’ve ever gone through-the most devastating to me, however, I know that because I have an amazing God who promised me He would never leave me and promised good for those who love Him and follow Him, I know that I will still stand and be okay. I won’t drown in my sorrow or crawl around in desperation. I am a child of the King and He knows how beautiful I am. I am thankful for all the past I’ve been through that has strengthened me thus far. I may not be strong enough otherwise. It is true…”What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” And also there is a song out that says, “He might let you bend but He will never let you break.” Yep! My soul and my heart is His! He also entrusted me with a beautiful little girl, 4 years old right now, that is a ball of energy and light! I love her with all my heart and in this time of free-falling…I know I have to bounce back quickly and be there for my child. She is resilient and even though this mountain is a journey she also took, and she is feeling the repercussions of such a high fall, I am praying that God can use me in her life to show her that there is something/someone higher than all of this that is worth living your life for! She doesn’t understand yet, and she will always remember this timeframe in her life, but God will reign in her-I have that hope and prayer.
My next post is going to be my story of my first multi-pitch climb (in Red Rock Canyon, just outside of Las Vegas, Nevada), called “Cat in the Hat.” Stay tuned!!!!
- John Maeda on creative leadership (metacool.typepad.com)
- Mind Games… (anextramile.org)
- “Reflection” (eve4evarules.wordpress.com)
- Plateaus, valleys and mountains: Silencing the inner critic (canadiankate.wordpress.com)
- Breathe… (asouldrivenmind.wordpress.com)
- Trust (booknvolume.com)
- Man Dies After Falling While Climbing Longs Peak (denver.cbslocal.com)
- Scripture and Song Day 02 (ayatheachan.wordpress.com)
- Knowing (It’s Over) (thinkandscrawl.wordpress.com)
- Reflected (iswearimnotanidiot.wordpress.com)
Looking up at a mountain and thinking about climbing it is pretty intense! The first time I was taken to a rock climbing area (aka “crag”), I thought it seemed crazy-the thought of going vertically up something rather than horizontally. Obviously it is dangerous to climb or you wouldn’t need a rope, right?
The thought of doing something you’ve never done, that doesn’t seem natural, is overwhelming. Nelson Day, with his love of climbing, was eager to teach me how to climb something (with rope)! He, unfortunately, also had to teach me how to belay, which means you are the one at the bottom who is essentially holding the climber’s life in their hands if they fall. You may (depending on where the fall occurs) get an opportunity to “save” them. Well, thankfully, Nelson scaled up a relatively easy climb, basically free-soloing, as I attempted to belay. He was very supportive, telling me I was doing great and I even thought I caught on quickly! Of course, I later experienced having to show someone and trust them to belay me-wow, that brings a whole new meaning to trust!
Climbing! Wow! My first climb was a 5:8 climb in New Jack City (between Lucern Valley and Barstow in California) on Boy Scout Wall. And, no, I had never even climbed at a gym. I just knew I would try and fail because I couldn’t ever do pull-ups as a youngster, nor climb my way up a rope. I was vertically challenged, in more ways than one, I guess! 😉 Well, he said to go for it and I went for it, clinging to a wall that had some very small holds to start with. I did it because he was excited and clearly loved this sport. (I did forewarn him that I may not like this sport and choose to watch from a distance in the future, especially since I was afraid of heights.) Did I mention I was fearful of heights? Yeah…just a bit!!! (No roller coasters or ferris wheels for me, not that I’m not adventurous.) I do like to try new things and I have always thought of myself as somewhat athletic, despite numerous health issues over my years. So, about 20 feet up, top-roping of course, I said, “nope!” “Let me down!” I begged. Nelson shook his head. “I’ll let you down when you’ve gotten to the anchors.” Argh! I don’t believe I even questioned him because he is a stubborn man (in the best of way usually) and he definitely means what he says. Arguing with him would have been futile. Fine! I had to change my mindset…I had to get up to those anchors, about another 30 or so feet up. Honestly, that last part was probably the easiest physically, but mentally, when you look down and see the bottom, your mind naturally goes to places it shouldn’t (i.e.: I could fall, etc). Of course, on rope, and with a great guide like Nelson, I had nothing to fear. I was too high to talk to him much, (talking is the way I get myself through uncomfortable situations normally), so my only choice was to focus in and try to look for ways to get my feet and hands on this mountain in a way that I wouldn’t fall. The coolest thing was that I did it! I found feet and holds and made it all the way up without hanging or falling. I was ecstatic! I had climbed! Wow! What i once thought of as impossible was suddenly turned upside down. The possibilities opened up and Nelson asked if I wanted to climb some more. YES! I climbed several more that day, about the same level. I was hooked. The feeling of mental awareness connecting your brain to your body and its movements, forging through your fear and what you once thought yourself incapable of doing was amazing! Exhilarating! I knew my life would never be the same. I was challenged-I met that challenge, and now I wanted more challenge.
In the following posts, I will share stories of my climbs and what I learned through them. I will occasionally just share a story and I may also share some of my other “mountains” (not physical ones, but metaphorically speaking) in this blog. I hope I can encourage you and challenge you as you overcome your own mountains.
Have a great and blessed day!
- Keep Climbing. (wenzingerphotography.wordpress.com)
- Semi-Rad: There’s No Cheating in Climbing, Only Lying (climbing.com)
- The Climb of Faith (beyondwaiting.com)
- Review: Stone Summit Climbing (mygeorgiateens.com)
- Semi-Rad: How to Win Friends and Influence Climbers (climbing.com)
- Rockclimbing! (jessiesgirlsblog.wordpress.com)
- Climb So iLL (visitmo.com)
- How to climb – Like yourself Pt 1 (canadiankate.wordpress.com)