Pause, breathe, and continue on (5 things to stop doing in your relationships)

It’s been awhile since I was moved to write. I guess I’ve been contemplating a lot lately. Sometimes fear of someone taking what I write and being misled by their interpretation of it scares me away from writing what I’m … Continue reading

Stained canvases

It’s not a pretty painting in my eyes. The canvas was stained from years of painting, scraped away, then repainted. Now I lost the grip I had keeping it from being scraped away again. The stain of those I loved is still fresh now as new strokes of color are being laid down. I know the stains like imprints on my heart, will always be beneath the surface-they can’t be removed. But the painting must continue, this new scene unfolding.

My new normal…. To say it’s easy being single and alone is mild but it’s more difficult when you aren’t forgetting those behind you (not running away). I am trying my hardest to come to terms with this. I’m told intentions aren’t good enough and indeed it is hope that keeps the spark in my life. It’s just still ….so painful. The rejection hurt but letting go of a bond….I never thought life could hurt so much. But part of my healing has to be me letting go. So I am starting over. I’m discovering the balance and understanding boundaries and realizing how healthy I am becoming alone. Trying to do it slowly feels like a fire burning me alive. I just need an end to the pain like ripping off a bandaid and waiting is a slow torture that reminds me every moment that it is Christ that pulls me through this life-I can overcome this trial because He has promised me He is with me. God has told us in His Word that He has a hope and a future with good for us…even if it’s not until I die.

God is With You

This is taken from the study I just finished called “The Sacred Search” by Gary Thomas and it is worth sharing because so many of us go through life letting marriage or failed marriage define us:

Remember how we started this book? Seek first the kingdom of God. Not a happy marriage. Not an easy marriage. Not even a wise marriage. Those are all noble pursuits, but the first call of every Christian is to fulfill God’s will for their life and to grow in righteousness. Most of us will not be called into a Hosea marriage, but some of you, even after making a careful choice, may well feel Hosea’s pain of betrayal. This will hurt, but it needn’t wreck or define your life if your spiritual priorities are in the proper order.
The truth is, no marriage is easy. There is no guarantee that the person you marry will continue to grow in faith. She may backslide. He may get sick or break psychologically or spiritually. But you’ll be okay. And you’ll grow in the process. That’s a good thing.
So take a deep breath. God isn’t going to leave you. Who you marry will affect you, but that person’ needn’t define you. Don’t lose your joy, wonder, or even happiness as you face this season in your life. Life is a journey walked hand in hand with God. We want to walk in wisdom, but God has plenty of experience helping His children work through the consequences of foolish choices (their own and others’).
Embrace the soul-healing words of Christ: “And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age” (Matt. 28:20).
* Look at your spiritual life, your prayer life, your romantic life. Are you believing that God will be with you always? Do you trust Him?

Resigned

I have resigned from my position as the one you may think I am. The me that I’ve become on the outside is not the person I am inside. I tried to fight it and have been at war. I lost myself years ago, shut out by the feeling of weakness, both in flesh, and in heart. But I’ve realized I can never be perfect enough for any person. I’m stripped from facades and done pretending. My pride is gone and my fight is over. I am just one match burning inside. I will shine my light and focus on basics again. I will stand up for who I am. I am loved, by God and by me…and by my children and family. I will love freely but not fall freely in love. I will live in my here and now, forgetting the past and all my hurt but not where I have come back from. I won’t worry about tomorrow. There isn’t enough mercy and grace in the world but I am enough for me. I never stop caring but will not be pulled under and succumb anymore. Nothing, no thought or evil or temptation, owns me any more. I gave you all my notice-

Resigned,

Cara

(And here is my song for the day…)

The truth 

Truth is, I’m hurting. I’m grasping for hope. But God gives me peace, When I didn’t ask. That’s how I know He lives. I know what He asked of me, And I walked the path, To help someone… Even though … Continue reading

Feeling Again

Fingers frozen
Thoughts dancing wild
Inside
Chest is tight
Pulse rising
Can’t touch the keys
With the war waging
Tearing down
Layers of pain
Struggling
Fear is fighting
Trying to conquer
Protecting
My fragile heart
Beating louder
Shattering
Silence
Growing
Now echoing
In my ears
The chorus of life
Remaining
Within my soul
Resonating
Memories
Fading
Blurring the walls
like raindrops falling
Wet ivory now moving
Teaching
My heart to sing
Again

 

Lightning

It happens in the least expected way-the calm and then the sudden burst of energy ensuing complacency. It’s like the wall of apathy built around oneself slowly deteriorates and then someone penetrates that protective barrier. The disruption is a fast and sudden onset of rage and emotion all at once.

Lightning

You

Again at this game

Carrying on like it’s nothing

Playing in the field

While the clouds circle high

Darkening

As I focus on the predictable

The overhanging cliff I climb

The strength I know so well

Pulling myself up

Focusing on the goal

The dream I have

Knowing you will be there to catch me

And will meet me at the top

But I didn’t see the clouds lower

The pressure dropping

So consumed in my path

And the water pelting down

Not seeing you under me

Nor hearing the slow rumble overhead

Like my temper tantrum brewing

About to stomp my foot

Slam the door

And scream it out

And so it goes

Lightning strikes

Piercing all concentration

You stumble…

Falling

Hands failing

Loosening your grip on the ties that bind

And I slip

Rope running through quickly

Breath catching as I catch speed

And crash

Lightning strikes

Down the Path (from early 2013)

I found this today…something that I wrote to someone dear to me in early 2013, and thought I would share. It was written out of sadness and love that I had realized was lost, and about my pride and the many negatives of my personality. I was rock climbing during this time and saw the mistakes I had made. Interestingly enough, I tied in (quite obviously) my Pisces “fish” personality. I actually really admire how this poem so accurately reflects so much about me. I hope you enjoy it-slightly different than how I write now. 🙂

I see you standing
Waiting
For me to join you
I am strong
And hold my chin high
So I don’t break
Or show you the weakness
I hide
I love
And cry
A mix of emotions
Warring inside
I want to prove it
I want to fight
Or let go
But I can’t decide
Where to go.
You don’t catch me
Like a fish swimming free
Longing for you
I will elude your grasp
Until you know
You can’t have me
Or bear to lose me
Again.
Like a bird
I fly high
Searching for you
To call me
To your nest
I’ve spread my wings
And won’t land
Until I find
My heart again.
Like a butterfly,
I’ve transformed
Impossibly
To continue my short life
To show you beauty
A lasting impression
Before I disappear.
For I catch a glimpse
Of you
Fighting
To be you
Thinking I am there
By your side
But I’m still watching
You
Here down this path
Through fog and rain
Landslides of pain
Keeping apart
You and I
No compromise
Both stubbornly walking
In dreams
Sovereignly sleeping
Dreaming
Our own desires to be
Our destiny
And maybe
Paths cross
Maybe not
Where do I give
Where do I stand strong
In what
I believe
Who I am
What I feel
What I know
To remain
Me
An elusive fish
A free flying bird
A beautifully tragic butterfly
That will disappear
In her own way
As she waits
And watches
You
Down the path.

Portrait on the wall

The sun shines brightly

Grass green and flowers blooming

Picture perfect, portrait on the wall

We function well

Carrying on this disillusionment

And then one day

A glitch in our system

The facade falls from the frame

Shattering into a million pieces

Leaving behind the nakedness

Truth is life’s ugly

But we cover up our lives

With pretty things

Keeping our world full

Constant activity

Children and what looks like God

But what happens?

When the portrait’s facade falls away?

When life’s rawness revealing

Our imperfection to all

Comes into focus

Only One to know us

To pick up the pieces

And carry us through these hardships

Let everything go

Let it be real and imperfect

Cry and tell Him you’re hurting

And let Him work it out

Or you can

Buy another picture

Cover up the bleeding

And continue basking in the sun

Of your picture perfect life.