I have been asking myself lately what quality I want to have and work on the most that I don’t already have or one that I need to continue to work on. Yes, I am incredibly honest and I’m engaging, … Continue reading
“What if…” “If only…”
Such an elusive way to think.
This is me.
Someone took a chance on me.
They trusted and freely gave
And then they forgot
Their reasons fading away
Like water through my fingers
They left me alone
I couldn’t decide which thing I must have done wrong to have deserved it.
But I thought, “what if I had…”
And in the end, I now know it wouldn’t have made a difference.
There are many things in my life that I think to myself that I would change if I was given the opportunity, and yet, I am happy for the wisdom I have through it all.
Yet, I still go through this constantly.
Teeter-tottering on the concept of failure versus success.
Someone else took a chance on me.
I was tough now-more secure.
They accepted me and I them.
But I wasn’t enough in the end.
I found that out through heart-ache and tears.
Head and heart beaten to pulp.
I had lost, again.
I wasn’t looking in the right place.
If ONLY someone who I already trusted was with me, it would be different.
But this time I wouldn’t get so deep.
Another heart-ache…what is wrong?
Like a rag doll…once a cared for possession but tossed aside.
I longed for it,
But grew to trust only me.
Then it happened!
My long lost ONE!
I took a chance.
I rocked my world and went all in.
Full throttle into the life I thought was right.
I wanted him to take a chance on me too.
I thought he did, but still undecided.
And then wavered…
He couldn’t give me the chance-it conflicted with the life he desired.
And again, I was alone.
More alone than ever-and broken.
But what is broken can let in more love-more hope.
I trusted and I found one.
No chances taken-I just said let it be, whatever it may be.
Don’t take a chance, but believe in me.
I have a few friends who have taken that chance on me-they have believed in me when others wouldn’t.
They watch me fall flat on my face…
And get back up each time-tear stains down my dirtied cheeks.
But they LOVE…they ACCEPT the inevitable ME.
They don’t know my outcome and they’ve seen (or heard of) my so-called “failures.”
And yet, they still took the chance on me-they counted on me to pull through.
My challenge to you is to take that chance and continue to have faith in someone even if and when it is not what you expect.
I am preaching to myself right now because I want the “what if” and “I hope” to work itself into reality but the fact of the matter is that it is me putting expectations on someone and that isn’t fair. Hope is good-unconditional love is BETTER! Acceptance in SPITE of someone’s outward appearance or maybe a stigma-a label. It’s hard to walk in someone else’s shoes. And that is why I am happy I have had so many unsuccessful relationships in life, because it has taught me all of this-Love is eternal and people will come and go. (Yes, you read that right.) I have been torn and tattered. I have been abused in almost every way in my past and who I am-how I am is too much for most people (family, spouse, friends included). I have lost much, but I have not lost ME-and GOD has never lost ME. HE loves ME-for ME! HE knows where I am going and what will happen and HE takes a chance on me and that I will follow and love Him and do what HE says (definitely not because it’s popular).
When I was climbing, I learned to trust each hold and each path I chose. When you lead, in rock climbing, you literally “commit” when you reach out and put all of your weight on a crimp or a smear and you “commit” to that route (you usually can’t go backwards unless you
fail fall). It’s so similar in life-you have to take that chance, trust, and then commit. It’s actually a pretty simple formula. Then if you fall, you try another route and eventually…hopefully stronger in the end, you make it to your destination.
I don’t like sounding like I’m preaching and I know if you are like me, you won’t just read this and learn it-you’ll have to live it just as I had. If you don’t take a chance on someone, you may never know how amazing they are or will become. And you will never know how their ripples will affect you. This may be on a loved one, lover, child, parent, co-worker, friend. I don’t know, it may actually be that you need to take a chance on you.
Whatever the case, you are thinking of something right now that you need to take that chance on…something you just need to know. Maybe you won’t and you will never know. Sometimes I think to myself with a smirk that I have come such a long way and done so much more than anyone who had taken the chance on me and then given up would have ever thought possible But I don’t do these things for them…they’re because it is just the path I’ve walked. No, I haven’t always “walked in the path that God willed” I’m sure…but He knew before the world was in motion that I would walk this path and He promises in Jeremiah that “For I know the plans I have for you…plans of good and not evil.” We just need a little perspective to see how God equips us for those hardships and brings forth the best in each of us if we let him.
Ok, haha! I got a little preachy and I’m sorry. I guess I was having a moment looking back at some old poems from the past and realizing just how much I’ve come through-all which I would never have had the strength to go alone. I struggle a LOT (hey-no one said this is easy), with who I am and why I was never “enough” for those who supposedly committed to me. I have high expectations sometimes-more for myself than others. And when someone does seemingly take a chance on me now, I have a hard time trusting. I push them away and don’t talk to them much because I am afraid of not being what they “thought” and then feeling disappointed when they leave my life. I will share an experience from my younger years that has stuck with me for a long time. When I was in 8th grade, I was living in a 5th-8th grade girls dorm in a tiny boarding school in Bolivia, South America. The prior year I had been in a large public school in the US (my parents went to the US every few years for a year “furlough”), so I knew none of the rules at this boarding school for this age. Well, within weeks, I was breaking (pretty innocently) rules and my dorm parents sat me down in their office. Their words will always sting-they told me they had expected me to be an angel since they knew my parents and they were disappointed in me. WOW! That hurt…and I believe that was the first of many disappointing moments in my life.
Anyway, take the chance, trust, and commit. That is my challenge to you-to myself.
I’ve heard the phrase said, “it was just wrong timing.” I thought this to myself regarding something recently and stopped myself. I try not to think too in depth about much when it comes to my life, my choices in the past, and that sort of thing. I have taken many opportunities in life and I’m sure missed out on many.
I am the product of a free-will thinking individual as far as my beliefs. And as I said to a friend recently, I get criticized for all my decisions that come off as looking like I am not sure where I am going in life. I want more-I don’t want to settle and be content with just “getting by.” Or so I say…. I guess some things in my life are dictated by “other” forces such as not wanting to rock the boat with family or children. I have had a lot of varying jobs that have all given me a wide spectrum of job skills. I have had a lot more relationships than one would care to that have given me the ability to put up with some things and not others or how/when to choose my battles or when to let go. Each thing I’ve gone through is a process. Like I said before-stepping stones…it has always seemed to be my destiny in life to hop through on stepping stones without a final point and to be a stepping stone for others to “find themselves” or what they want. Does it make me excited? No, honestly, it doesn’t…don’t we all want a happy, perfect ending? Maybe I just believe that my happy ending is giving all that I have and am for others. Yes, I have desires and wants, but either I don’t get those or I just have to keep waiting. Maybe when I’m 90? 😉 The grass might look greener and I have always taken chances and risks, but I’m so tired of doing so and being wrong. I just can’t risk that anymore.
All these thoughts bring me back to my main point-is there ever a “perfect time”??? I remember thinking that about a relationship I had and yet, it was clearly never meant to be. A good friend once told me I was his soul mate but the timing was off and that we were “never meant to be” and of course, I agreed that it wasn’t meant to be, but for other reasons. “Timing…” Is there really ever a “perfect” time in life for anything? Sometimes people put stipulations on getting married or having children, saying, “When x happens, then we’ll be ready.” (Most times x=having money…which is rare for most people in this day and age to ever have the “right” amount of.)
Henry David “Thoreau” (my favorite writer if you weren’t aware) said, “Our truest life is when we are in dreams awake.” He also made the wise comment that, “You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment. Fools stand on their island of opportunities and look toward another land. There is no other land; there is no other life but this.” Thoreau said more than what I could ever quote-all good stuff. So, to paraphrase what he is saying in these, we know what we want and can not always have it, except in our dreams. There is no “perfect time” but we have to live each moment at a time to the best that we can and take advantage of the open doors…those opportunities.
It’s times like this that I realize I am writing to reveal something new to myself-to clarify all the thoughts in my head. I wish I could say that I will seize moments in the future and do just that, not playing it safe (as many of you think is my custom…even though it isn’t.) It isn’t in my nature to stir anything up. So, I’ll try to be patient and wait and keep living one day at a time and see what happens. Thoughts and feelings can stay in my dreams where they belong. 🙂
Just think about it the next time you tell yourself something isn’t the “right time.” Maybe that is the very time you need to take an opportunity. Everything happens for a reason. You won’t know until you try.
Listening to “In My Dreams” by REO Speedwagon
(Click HERE and you can hear the song I have been listening to as I write.)
Writing….it’s part of who I am. I write from my heart, words flowing freely and effortlessly as they enter and exit through my fingers, manifesting themselves on my blog. This is a blog that has been difficult for me to write, in fact, as you will see by the sporadic time-frames that I post. I generally write most when I have a lot on my mind, and I was asked by my mom years ago why I don’t just write in a journal and keep it to myself. As if I was airing out dirty laundry. But I think other writers, as myself, enjoy reading too and what better than finding a connection with what someone has to say? I always dream that somehow, my stories can have an impact or maybe inspire someone-help them feel like they’re not alone and that life is still wonderful despite all the hardships we go through. I still haven’t had the heart to write about some of my largest “mountains” (figuratively speaking)…but I will get there soon-it’s been almost enough time.
Hearts don’t heal completely-they are scarred and sometimes pain comes back in tiny splinters, reminding us of what we went through. I had one of those experiences today. I heard something on Pandora that brought memories flooding back of a time that I thought my heart was broken beyond repair. Now looking back I see this wasn’t to be my battle in life-as I’ve said before, it was a stepping stone. I will never experience that exact pain again and I can say that with certainty, and it is what has brought me to New Mexico…following the little loves of my life. I am happy about the choices I made back (after not during) that time as so much good came out of all that. Remind me to tell my story of those events (the good parts anyway) soon!
Anyway, I am mainly writing this all to say that I am not perfect! My story is still unfolding. My life can’t be labeled or titled because I have no idea what will come at me next. I have been through some seemingly unreal things in my life and will likely go through more because that’s just what my life seems to hold (God I hope not though). Like a said in a recent post, great things come from the will to not be average, everyday, ordinary-from needing to be challenged and not accepting the norm. This is who I am…I am untitled, ever changing me. To those who once tried to write a book about their experiences in raising me, I hope I have not let you down too much that you couldn’t ever “finish” that book with a happy ending…although it sure seems happy through my eyes.
Sitting here atop this peak I’m on
Looking down at the beauty beneath
Wondering how I got up this high
Knowing there is no where else to go but down
The waters below show me where I’m at
They reveal where I’ve been
The reflections of my journey here
I see love and laughter
Hope of things to come
Anticipation for the future as we climbed together
All the multi-pitched trust and determination
Giggles of children playing below
Watching and learning wherever we would go
We climbed and hiked this route
Anchored in deep so as not to fall
Or so we thought
But the anchors were loose
Aged from time and climbers falling hard on them
Knowing a safe climb down is not possible
Letting go of the rope that binds us
We jump head first
Not seeing the other
Falling headlong into the deep waters below
Breaking the reflections of our past
They will be no more
Drowned out now by currents of new life
Looking up at the peak from whence I fell
Will I climb that mountain again?
See my reflection in this mere puddle I’m in
Maybe…time will only tell
So, I wrote this little blurb this morning based on my mood, as is my custom. I mentioned previously that I’ve climbed some pretty mighty (metaphorical) mountains during my lifetime already. I feel like I am at the top of one now, looking over the edge and ready to jump-freefall if you will-into the unknown. It is a scary time for me and yet exciting. Part of me thinks, yeah, I can handle any mountain now! And the other side is saying, no…I can’t handle the difficult journey or the fall again. I have been waging a war inside and outside with what has been going on in my life. It is still too raw to share details, but suffice to say, it is the largest thing I’ve ever gone through-the most devastating to me, however, I know that because I have an amazing God who promised me He would never leave me and promised good for those who love Him and follow Him, I know that I will still stand and be okay. I won’t drown in my sorrow or crawl around in desperation. I am a child of the King and He knows how beautiful I am. I am thankful for all the past I’ve been through that has strengthened me thus far. I may not be strong enough otherwise. It is true…”What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” And also there is a song out that says, “He might let you bend but He will never let you break.” Yep! My soul and my heart is His! He also entrusted me with a beautiful little girl, 4 years old right now, that is a ball of energy and light! I love her with all my heart and in this time of free-falling…I know I have to bounce back quickly and be there for my child. She is resilient and even though this mountain is a journey she also took, and she is feeling the repercussions of such a high fall, I am praying that God can use me in her life to show her that there is something/someone higher than all of this that is worth living your life for! She doesn’t understand yet, and she will always remember this timeframe in her life, but God will reign in her-I have that hope and prayer.
My next post is going to be my story of my first multi-pitch climb (in Red Rock Canyon, just outside of Las Vegas, Nevada), called “Cat in the Hat.” Stay tuned!!!!
- John Maeda on creative leadership (metacool.typepad.com)
- Mind Games… (anextramile.org)
- “Reflection” (eve4evarules.wordpress.com)
- Plateaus, valleys and mountains: Silencing the inner critic (canadiankate.wordpress.com)
- Breathe… (asouldrivenmind.wordpress.com)
- Trust (booknvolume.com)
- Man Dies After Falling While Climbing Longs Peak (denver.cbslocal.com)
- Scripture and Song Day 02 (ayatheachan.wordpress.com)
- Knowing (It’s Over) (thinkandscrawl.wordpress.com)
- Reflected (iswearimnotanidiot.wordpress.com)