I have been asking myself lately what quality I want to have and work on the most that I don’t already have or one that I need to continue to work on. Yes, I am incredibly honest and I’m engaging, … Continue reading
“What if…” “If only…”
Such an elusive way to think.
This is me.
Someone took a chance on me.
They trusted and freely gave
And then they forgot
Their reasons fading away
Like water through my fingers
They left me alone
I couldn’t decide which thing I must have done wrong to have deserved it.
But I thought, “what if I had…”
And in the end, I now know it wouldn’t have made a difference.
There are many things in my life that I think to myself that I would change if I was given the opportunity, and yet, I am happy for the wisdom I have through it all.
Yet, I still go through this constantly.
Teeter-tottering on the concept of failure versus success.
Someone else took a chance on me.
I was tough now-more secure.
They accepted me and I them.
But I wasn’t enough in the end.
I found that out through heart-ache and tears.
Head and heart beaten to pulp.
I had lost, again.
I wasn’t looking in the right place.
If ONLY someone who I already trusted was with me, it would be different.
But this time I wouldn’t get so deep.
Another heart-ache…what is wrong?
Like a rag doll…once a cared for possession but tossed aside.
I longed for it,
But grew to trust only me.
Then it happened!
My long lost ONE!
I took a chance.
I rocked my world and went all in.
Full throttle into the life I thought was right.
I wanted him to take a chance on me too.
I thought he did, but still undecided.
And then wavered…
He couldn’t give me the chance-it conflicted with the life he desired.
And again, I was alone.
More alone than ever-and broken.
But what is broken can let in more love-more hope.
I trusted and I found one.
No chances taken-I just said let it be, whatever it may be.
Don’t take a chance, but believe in me.
I have a few friends who have taken that chance on me-they have believed in me when others wouldn’t.
They watch me fall flat on my face…
And get back up each time-tear stains down my dirtied cheeks.
But they LOVE…they ACCEPT the inevitable ME.
They don’t know my outcome and they’ve seen (or heard of) my so-called “failures.”
And yet, they still took the chance on me-they counted on me to pull through.
My challenge to you is to take that chance and continue to have faith in someone even if and when it is not what you expect.
I am preaching to myself right now because I want the “what if” and “I hope” to work itself into reality but the fact of the matter is that it is me putting expectations on someone and that isn’t fair. Hope is good-unconditional love is BETTER! Acceptance in SPITE of someone’s outward appearance or maybe a stigma-a label. It’s hard to walk in someone else’s shoes. And that is why I am happy I have had so many unsuccessful relationships in life, because it has taught me all of this-Love is eternal and people will come and go. (Yes, you read that right.) I have been torn and tattered. I have been abused in almost every way in my past and who I am-how I am is too much for most people (family, spouse, friends included). I have lost much, but I have not lost ME-and GOD has never lost ME. HE loves ME-for ME! HE knows where I am going and what will happen and HE takes a chance on me and that I will follow and love Him and do what HE says (definitely not because it’s popular).
When I was climbing, I learned to trust each hold and each path I chose. When you lead, in rock climbing, you literally “commit” when you reach out and put all of your weight on a crimp or a smear and you “commit” to that route (you usually can’t go backwards unless you
fail fall). It’s so similar in life-you have to take that chance, trust, and then commit. It’s actually a pretty simple formula. Then if you fall, you try another route and eventually…hopefully stronger in the end, you make it to your destination.
I don’t like sounding like I’m preaching and I know if you are like me, you won’t just read this and learn it-you’ll have to live it just as I had. If you don’t take a chance on someone, you may never know how amazing they are or will become. And you will never know how their ripples will affect you. This may be on a loved one, lover, child, parent, co-worker, friend. I don’t know, it may actually be that you need to take a chance on you.
Whatever the case, you are thinking of something right now that you need to take that chance on…something you just need to know. Maybe you won’t and you will never know. Sometimes I think to myself with a smirk that I have come such a long way and done so much more than anyone who had taken the chance on me and then given up would have ever thought possible But I don’t do these things for them…they’re because it is just the path I’ve walked. No, I haven’t always “walked in the path that God willed” I’m sure…but He knew before the world was in motion that I would walk this path and He promises in Jeremiah that “For I know the plans I have for you…plans of good and not evil.” We just need a little perspective to see how God equips us for those hardships and brings forth the best in each of us if we let him.
Ok, haha! I got a little preachy and I’m sorry. I guess I was having a moment looking back at some old poems from the past and realizing just how much I’ve come through-all which I would never have had the strength to go alone. I struggle a LOT (hey-no one said this is easy), with who I am and why I was never “enough” for those who supposedly committed to me. I have high expectations sometimes-more for myself than others. And when someone does seemingly take a chance on me now, I have a hard time trusting. I push them away and don’t talk to them much because I am afraid of not being what they “thought” and then feeling disappointed when they leave my life. I will share an experience from my younger years that has stuck with me for a long time. When I was in 8th grade, I was living in a 5th-8th grade girls dorm in a tiny boarding school in Bolivia, South America. The prior year I had been in a large public school in the US (my parents went to the US every few years for a year “furlough”), so I knew none of the rules at this boarding school for this age. Well, within weeks, I was breaking (pretty innocently) rules and my dorm parents sat me down in their office. Their words will always sting-they told me they had expected me to be an angel since they knew my parents and they were disappointed in me. WOW! That hurt…and I believe that was the first of many disappointing moments in my life.
Anyway, take the chance, trust, and commit. That is my challenge to you-to myself.
Sitting here atop this peak I’m on
Looking down at the beauty beneath
Wondering how I got up this high
Knowing there is no where else to go but down
The waters below show me where I’m at
They reveal where I’ve been
The reflections of my journey here
I see love and laughter
Hope of things to come
Anticipation for the future as we climbed together
All the multi-pitched trust and determination
Giggles of children playing below
Watching and learning wherever we would go
We climbed and hiked this route
Anchored in deep so as not to fall
Or so we thought
But the anchors were loose
Aged from time and climbers falling hard on them
Knowing a safe climb down is not possible
Letting go of the rope that binds us
We jump head first
Not seeing the other
Falling headlong into the deep waters below
Breaking the reflections of our past
They will be no more
Drowned out now by currents of new life
Looking up at the peak from whence I fell
Will I climb that mountain again?
See my reflection in this mere puddle I’m in
Maybe…time will only tell
So, I wrote this little blurb this morning based on my mood, as is my custom. I mentioned previously that I’ve climbed some pretty mighty (metaphorical) mountains during my lifetime already. I feel like I am at the top of one now, looking over the edge and ready to jump-freefall if you will-into the unknown. It is a scary time for me and yet exciting. Part of me thinks, yeah, I can handle any mountain now! And the other side is saying, no…I can’t handle the difficult journey or the fall again. I have been waging a war inside and outside with what has been going on in my life. It is still too raw to share details, but suffice to say, it is the largest thing I’ve ever gone through-the most devastating to me, however, I know that because I have an amazing God who promised me He would never leave me and promised good for those who love Him and follow Him, I know that I will still stand and be okay. I won’t drown in my sorrow or crawl around in desperation. I am a child of the King and He knows how beautiful I am. I am thankful for all the past I’ve been through that has strengthened me thus far. I may not be strong enough otherwise. It is true…”What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” And also there is a song out that says, “He might let you bend but He will never let you break.” Yep! My soul and my heart is His! He also entrusted me with a beautiful little girl, 4 years old right now, that is a ball of energy and light! I love her with all my heart and in this time of free-falling…I know I have to bounce back quickly and be there for my child. She is resilient and even though this mountain is a journey she also took, and she is feeling the repercussions of such a high fall, I am praying that God can use me in her life to show her that there is something/someone higher than all of this that is worth living your life for! She doesn’t understand yet, and she will always remember this timeframe in her life, but God will reign in her-I have that hope and prayer.
My next post is going to be my story of my first multi-pitch climb (in Red Rock Canyon, just outside of Las Vegas, Nevada), called “Cat in the Hat.” Stay tuned!!!!
- John Maeda on creative leadership (metacool.typepad.com)
- Mind Games… (anextramile.org)
- “Reflection” (eve4evarules.wordpress.com)
- Plateaus, valleys and mountains: Silencing the inner critic (canadiankate.wordpress.com)
- Breathe… (asouldrivenmind.wordpress.com)
- Trust (booknvolume.com)
- Man Dies After Falling While Climbing Longs Peak (denver.cbslocal.com)
- Scripture and Song Day 02 (ayatheachan.wordpress.com)
- Knowing (It’s Over) (thinkandscrawl.wordpress.com)
- Reflected (iswearimnotanidiot.wordpress.com)
Looking up at a mountain and thinking about climbing it is pretty intense! The first time I was taken to a rock climbing area (aka “crag”), I thought it seemed crazy-the thought of going vertically up something rather than horizontally. Obviously it is dangerous to climb or you wouldn’t need a rope, right?
The thought of doing something you’ve never done, that doesn’t seem natural, is overwhelming. Nelson Day, with his love of climbing, was eager to teach me how to climb something (with rope)! He, unfortunately, also had to teach me how to belay, which means you are the one at the bottom who is essentially holding the climber’s life in their hands if they fall. You may (depending on where the fall occurs) get an opportunity to “save” them. Well, thankfully, Nelson scaled up a relatively easy climb, basically free-soloing, as I attempted to belay. He was very supportive, telling me I was doing great and I even thought I caught on quickly! Of course, I later experienced having to show someone and trust them to belay me-wow, that brings a whole new meaning to trust!
Climbing! Wow! My first climb was a 5:8 climb in New Jack City (between Lucern Valley and Barstow in California) on Boy Scout Wall. And, no, I had never even climbed at a gym. I just knew I would try and fail because I couldn’t ever do pull-ups as a youngster, nor climb my way up a rope. I was vertically challenged, in more ways than one, I guess! 😉 Well, he said to go for it and I went for it, clinging to a wall that had some very small holds to start with. I did it because he was excited and clearly loved this sport. (I did forewarn him that I may not like this sport and choose to watch from a distance in the future, especially since I was afraid of heights.) Did I mention I was fearful of heights? Yeah…just a bit!!! (No roller coasters or ferris wheels for me, not that I’m not adventurous.) I do like to try new things and I have always thought of myself as somewhat athletic, despite numerous health issues over my years. So, about 20 feet up, top-roping of course, I said, “nope!” “Let me down!” I begged. Nelson shook his head. “I’ll let you down when you’ve gotten to the anchors.” Argh! I don’t believe I even questioned him because he is a stubborn man (in the best of way usually) and he definitely means what he says. Arguing with him would have been futile. Fine! I had to change my mindset…I had to get up to those anchors, about another 30 or so feet up. Honestly, that last part was probably the easiest physically, but mentally, when you look down and see the bottom, your mind naturally goes to places it shouldn’t (i.e.: I could fall, etc). Of course, on rope, and with a great guide like Nelson, I had nothing to fear. I was too high to talk to him much, (talking is the way I get myself through uncomfortable situations normally), so my only choice was to focus in and try to look for ways to get my feet and hands on this mountain in a way that I wouldn’t fall. The coolest thing was that I did it! I found feet and holds and made it all the way up without hanging or falling. I was ecstatic! I had climbed! Wow! What i once thought of as impossible was suddenly turned upside down. The possibilities opened up and Nelson asked if I wanted to climb some more. YES! I climbed several more that day, about the same level. I was hooked. The feeling of mental awareness connecting your brain to your body and its movements, forging through your fear and what you once thought yourself incapable of doing was amazing! Exhilarating! I knew my life would never be the same. I was challenged-I met that challenge, and now I wanted more challenge.
In the following posts, I will share stories of my climbs and what I learned through them. I will occasionally just share a story and I may also share some of my other “mountains” (not physical ones, but metaphorically speaking) in this blog. I hope I can encourage you and challenge you as you overcome your own mountains.
Have a great and blessed day!
- Keep Climbing. (wenzingerphotography.wordpress.com)
- Semi-Rad: There’s No Cheating in Climbing, Only Lying (climbing.com)
- The Climb of Faith (beyondwaiting.com)
- Review: Stone Summit Climbing (mygeorgiateens.com)
- Semi-Rad: How to Win Friends and Influence Climbers (climbing.com)
- Rockclimbing! (jessiesgirlsblog.wordpress.com)
- Climb So iLL (visitmo.com)
- How to climb – Like yourself Pt 1 (canadiankate.wordpress.com)