3 ways to build inner StReNgTh

I have been asking myself lately what quality I want to have and work on the most that I don’t already have or one that I need to continue to work on. Yes, I am incredibly honest and I’m engaging, … Continue reading

Feeling Again

Fingers frozen
Thoughts dancing wild
Inside
Chest is tight
Pulse rising
Can’t touch the keys
With the war waging
Tearing down
Layers of pain
Struggling
Fear is fighting
Trying to conquer
Protecting
My fragile heart
Beating louder
Shattering
Silence
Growing
Now echoing
In my ears
The chorus of life
Remaining
Within my soul
Resonating
Memories
Fading
Blurring the walls
like raindrops falling
Wet ivory now moving
Teaching
My heart to sing
Again

 

Portrait on the wall

The sun shines brightly

Grass green and flowers blooming

Picture perfect, portrait on the wall

We function well

Carrying on this disillusionment

And then one day

A glitch in our system

The facade falls from the frame

Shattering into a million pieces

Leaving behind the nakedness

Truth is life’s ugly

But we cover up our lives

With pretty things

Keeping our world full

Constant activity

Children and what looks like God

But what happens?

When the portrait’s facade falls away?

When life’s rawness revealing

Our imperfection to all

Comes into focus

Only One to know us

To pick up the pieces

And carry us through these hardships

Let everything go

Let it be real and imperfect

Cry and tell Him you’re hurting

And let Him work it out

Or you can

Buy another picture

Cover up the bleeding

And continue basking in the sun

Of your picture perfect life.

 

the valley of solace

rest stop in las cruces july 2014

there is a place

down between those mountains

where happiness seems to thrive

joy seems inevitable

and no stumbling blocks in sight

but it isn’t green grass

nor happiness that drives

rather, the peace is in knowing

He is in control

the solace I find

in the valley

it’s not being alone

it’s not life getting easier

it’s in not knowing what lies over the horizon

it’s in knowing I can not control life

solace is found

at the feet of One

in letting Him lead me

one step at a time

into the great unknown

whether it is up another mountain

through the fire

falling down on my path

God is my refuge and my valley

He is my solace

Take a Chance

“What if…” “If only…”

Such an elusive way to think.

This is me.

Someone took a chance on me.

They trusted and freely gave

And then they forgot

Their reasons fading away

Like water through my fingers

They left me alone

I couldn’t decide which thing I must have done wrong to have deserved it.

But I thought, “what if I had…”

And in the end, I now know it wouldn’t have made a difference.

There are many things in my life that I think to myself that I would change if I was given the opportunity, and yet, I am happy for the wisdom I have through it all.

Yet, I still go through this constantly.

Teeter-tottering on the concept of failure versus success.

Someone else took a chance on me.

I was tough now-more secure.

They accepted me and I them.

But I wasn’t enough in the end.

I found that out through heart-ache and tears.

Head and heart beaten to pulp.

Loss and…failure.

I had lost, again.

I wasn’t looking in the right place.

If ONLY someone who I already trusted was with me, it would be different.

But this time I wouldn’t get so deep.

Another chance-

Another heart-ache…what is wrong?

With me?

Like a rag doll…once a cared for possession but tossed aside.

I longed for it,

But grew to trust only me.

Then it happened!

My long lost ONE!

I took a chance.

I rocked my world and went all in.

Full throttle into the life I thought was right.

I wanted him to take a chance on me too.

I thought he did, but still undecided.

And then wavered…

He couldn’t give me the chance-it conflicted with the life he desired.

And again, I was alone.

More alone than ever-and broken.

But what is broken can let in more love-more hope.

I trusted and I found one.

No chances taken-I just said let it be, whatever it may be.

Don’t take a chance, but believe in me.

I have a few friends who have taken that chance on me-they have believed in me when others wouldn’t.

They watch me fall flat on my face…

And get back up each time-tear stains down my dirtied cheeks.

But they LOVE…they ACCEPT the inevitable ME.

They don’t know my outcome and they’ve seen (or heard of) my so-called “failures.”

And yet, they still took the chance on me-they counted on me to pull through.

*****************************************************************************

My challenge to you is to take that chance and continue to have faith in someone even if and when it is not what you expect.

I am preaching to myself right now because I want the “what if” and “I hope” to work itself into reality but the fact of the matter is that it is me putting expectations on someone and that isn’t fair.  Hope is good-unconditional love is BETTER! Acceptance in SPITE of someone’s outward appearance or maybe a stigma-a label.  It’s hard to walk in someone else’s shoes.  And that is why I am happy I have had so many unsuccessful relationships in life, because it has taught me all of this-Love is eternal and people will come and go.  (Yes, you read that right.)  I have been torn and tattered.  I have been abused in almost every way in my past and who I am-how I am is too much for most people (family, spouse, friends included).  I have lost much, but I have not lost ME-and GOD has never lost ME.  HE loves ME-for ME!  HE knows where I am going and what will happen and HE takes a chance on me and that I will follow and love Him and do what HE says (definitely not because it’s popular).

When I was climbing, I learned to trust each hold and each path I chose.  When you lead, in rock climbing, you literally “commit” when you reach out and put all of your weight on a crimp or a smear and you “commit” to that route (you usually can’t go backwards unless you fail fall).  It’s so similar in life-you have to take that chance, trust, and then commit.  It’s actually a pretty simple formula.  Then if you fall, you try another route and eventually…hopefully stronger in the end, you make it to your destination.

I don’t like sounding like I’m preaching and I know if you are like me, you won’t just read this and learn it-you’ll have to live it just as I had.  If you don’t take a chance on someone, you may never know how amazing they are or will become. And you will never know how their ripples will affect you.  This may be on a loved one, lover, child, parent, co-worker, friend.  I don’t know, it may actually be that you need to take a chance on you.

Whatever the case, you are thinking of something right now that you need to take that chance on…something you just need to know. Maybe you won’t and you will never know.  Sometimes I think to myself with a smirk that I have come such a long way and done so much more than anyone who had taken the chance on me and then given up would have ever thought possible  But I don’t do these things for them…they’re because it is just the path I’ve walked.  No, I haven’t always “walked in the path that God willed” I’m sure…but He knew before the world was in motion that I would walk this path and He promises in Jeremiah that “For I know the plans I have for you…plans of good and not evil.”  We just need a little perspective to see how God equips us for those hardships and brings forth the best in each of us if we let him.

Ok, haha!  I got a little preachy and I’m sorry.  I guess I was having a moment looking back at some old poems from the past and realizing just how much I’ve come through-all which I would never have had the strength to go alone.  I struggle a LOT (hey-no one said this is easy), with who I am and why I was never “enough” for those who supposedly committed to me.  I have high expectations sometimes-more for myself than others.  And when someone does seemingly take a chance on me now, I have a hard time trusting.  I push them away and don’t talk to them much because I am afraid of not being what they “thought” and then feeling disappointed when they leave my life.  I will share an experience from my younger years that has stuck with me for a long time.  When I was in 8th grade, I was living in a 5th-8th grade girls dorm in a tiny boarding school in Bolivia, South America.  The prior year I had been in a large public school in the US (my parents went to the US every few years for a year “furlough”), so I knew none of the rules at this boarding school for this age.  Well, within weeks, I was breaking (pretty innocently) rules and my dorm parents sat me down in their office.  Their words will always sting-they told me they had expected me to be an angel since they knew my parents and they were disappointed in me.  WOW!  That hurt…and I believe that was the first of many disappointing moments in my life.

Anyway, take the chance, trust, and commit.  That is my challenge to you-to myself.

Reflections

Sitting here atop this peak I’m on

Looking down at the beauty beneath

Wondering how I got up this high

Knowing there is no where else to go but down

Inevitable collapse

The waters below show me where I’m at

They reveal where I’ve been

The reflections of my journey here

I see love and laughter

Hope of things to come

Anticipation for the future as we climbed together

All the multi-pitched trust and determination

Giggles of children playing below

Watching and learning wherever we would go

We climbed and hiked this route

Anchored in deep so as not to fall

Or so we thought

But the anchors were loose

Aged from time and climbers falling hard on them

Knowing a safe climb down is not possible

Letting go of the rope that binds us

We jump head first

Not seeing the other

Falling headlong into the deep waters below

Breaking the reflections of our past

They will be no more

Drowned out now by currents of new life

Looking up at the peak from whence I fell

Will I climb that mountain again?

See my reflection in this mere puddle I’m in

Maybe…time will only tell

 

So, I wrote this little blurb this morning based on my mood, as is my custom.  I mentioned previously that I’ve climbed some pretty mighty (metaphorical) mountains during my lifetime already.  I feel like I am at the top of one now, looking over the edge and ready to jump-freefall if you will-into the unknown.  It is a scary time for me and yet exciting.  Part of me thinks, yeah, I can handle any mountain now! And the other side is saying, no…I can’t handle the difficult journey or the fall again.  I have been waging a war inside and outside with what has been going on in my life.  It is still too raw to share details, but suffice to say, it is the largest thing I’ve ever gone through-the most devastating to me, however, I know that because I have an amazing God who promised me He would never leave me and promised good for those who love Him and follow Him, I know that I will still stand and be okay.  I won’t drown in my sorrow or crawl around in desperation.  I am a child of the King and He knows how beautiful I am.  I am thankful for all the past I’ve been through that has strengthened me thus far.  I may not be strong enough otherwise.  It is true…”What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” And also there is a song out that says, “He might let you bend but He will never let you break.” Yep!  My soul and my heart is His!  He also entrusted me with a beautiful little girl, 4 years old right now, that is a ball of energy and light! I love her with all my heart and in this time of free-falling…I know I have to bounce back quickly and be there for my child.  She is resilient and even though this mountain is a journey she also took, and she is feeling the repercussions of such a high fall, I am praying that God can use me in her life to show her that there is something/someone higher than all of this that is worth living your life for! She doesn’t understand yet, and she will always remember this timeframe in her life, but God will reign in her-I have that hope and prayer.

My next post is going to be my story of my first multi-pitch climb (in Red Rock Canyon, just outside of Las Vegas, Nevada), called “Cat in the Hat.” Stay tuned!!!!