I have been asking myself lately what quality I want to have and work on the most that I don’t already have or one that I need to continue to work on. Yes, I am incredibly honest and I’m engaging, … Continue reading
Thoughts dancing wild
Chest is tight
Can’t touch the keys
With the war waging
Layers of pain
Fear is fighting
Trying to conquer
My fragile heart
In my ears
The chorus of life
Within my soul
Blurring the walls
like raindrops falling
Wet ivory now moving
My heart to sing
The sun shines brightly
Grass green and flowers blooming
Picture perfect, portrait on the wall
We function well
Carrying on this disillusionment
And then one day
A glitch in our system
The facade falls from the frame
Shattering into a million pieces
Leaving behind the nakedness
Truth is life’s ugly
But we cover up our lives
With pretty things
Keeping our world full
Children and what looks like God
But what happens?
When the portrait’s facade falls away?
When life’s rawness revealing
Our imperfection to all
Comes into focus
Only One to know us
To pick up the pieces
And carry us through these hardships
Let everything go
Let it be real and imperfect
Cry and tell Him you’re hurting
And let Him work it out
Or you can
Buy another picture
Cover up the bleeding
And continue basking in the sun
Of your picture perfect life.
there is a place
down between those mountains
where happiness seems to thrive
joy seems inevitable
and no stumbling blocks in sight
but it isn’t green grass
nor happiness that drives
rather, the peace is in knowing
He is in control
the solace I find
in the valley
it’s not being alone
it’s not life getting easier
it’s in not knowing what lies over the horizon
it’s in knowing I can not control life
solace is found
at the feet of One
in letting Him lead me
one step at a time
into the great unknown
whether it is up another mountain
through the fire
falling down on my path
God is my refuge and my valley
He is my solace
“What if…” “If only…”
Such an elusive way to think.
This is me.
Someone took a chance on me.
They trusted and freely gave
And then they forgot
Their reasons fading away
Like water through my fingers
They left me alone
I couldn’t decide which thing I must have done wrong to have deserved it.
But I thought, “what if I had…”
And in the end, I now know it wouldn’t have made a difference.
There are many things in my life that I think to myself that I would change if I was given the opportunity, and yet, I am happy for the wisdom I have through it all.
Yet, I still go through this constantly.
Teeter-tottering on the concept of failure versus success.
Someone else took a chance on me.
I was tough now-more secure.
They accepted me and I them.
But I wasn’t enough in the end.
I found that out through heart-ache and tears.
Head and heart beaten to pulp.
I had lost, again.
I wasn’t looking in the right place.
If ONLY someone who I already trusted was with me, it would be different.
But this time I wouldn’t get so deep.
Another heart-ache…what is wrong?
Like a rag doll…once a cared for possession but tossed aside.
I longed for it,
But grew to trust only me.
Then it happened!
My long lost ONE!
I took a chance.
I rocked my world and went all in.
Full throttle into the life I thought was right.
I wanted him to take a chance on me too.
I thought he did, but still undecided.
And then wavered…
He couldn’t give me the chance-it conflicted with the life he desired.
And again, I was alone.
More alone than ever-and broken.
But what is broken can let in more love-more hope.
I trusted and I found one.
No chances taken-I just said let it be, whatever it may be.
Don’t take a chance, but believe in me.
I have a few friends who have taken that chance on me-they have believed in me when others wouldn’t.
They watch me fall flat on my face…
And get back up each time-tear stains down my dirtied cheeks.
But they LOVE…they ACCEPT the inevitable ME.
They don’t know my outcome and they’ve seen (or heard of) my so-called “failures.”
And yet, they still took the chance on me-they counted on me to pull through.
My challenge to you is to take that chance and continue to have faith in someone even if and when it is not what you expect.
I am preaching to myself right now because I want the “what if” and “I hope” to work itself into reality but the fact of the matter is that it is me putting expectations on someone and that isn’t fair. Hope is good-unconditional love is BETTER! Acceptance in SPITE of someone’s outward appearance or maybe a stigma-a label. It’s hard to walk in someone else’s shoes. And that is why I am happy I have had so many unsuccessful relationships in life, because it has taught me all of this-Love is eternal and people will come and go. (Yes, you read that right.) I have been torn and tattered. I have been abused in almost every way in my past and who I am-how I am is too much for most people (family, spouse, friends included). I have lost much, but I have not lost ME-and GOD has never lost ME. HE loves ME-for ME! HE knows where I am going and what will happen and HE takes a chance on me and that I will follow and love Him and do what HE says (definitely not because it’s popular).
When I was climbing, I learned to trust each hold and each path I chose. When you lead, in rock climbing, you literally “commit” when you reach out and put all of your weight on a crimp or a smear and you “commit” to that route (you usually can’t go backwards unless you
fail fall). It’s so similar in life-you have to take that chance, trust, and then commit. It’s actually a pretty simple formula. Then if you fall, you try another route and eventually…hopefully stronger in the end, you make it to your destination.
I don’t like sounding like I’m preaching and I know if you are like me, you won’t just read this and learn it-you’ll have to live it just as I had. If you don’t take a chance on someone, you may never know how amazing they are or will become. And you will never know how their ripples will affect you. This may be on a loved one, lover, child, parent, co-worker, friend. I don’t know, it may actually be that you need to take a chance on you.
Whatever the case, you are thinking of something right now that you need to take that chance on…something you just need to know. Maybe you won’t and you will never know. Sometimes I think to myself with a smirk that I have come such a long way and done so much more than anyone who had taken the chance on me and then given up would have ever thought possible But I don’t do these things for them…they’re because it is just the path I’ve walked. No, I haven’t always “walked in the path that God willed” I’m sure…but He knew before the world was in motion that I would walk this path and He promises in Jeremiah that “For I know the plans I have for you…plans of good and not evil.” We just need a little perspective to see how God equips us for those hardships and brings forth the best in each of us if we let him.
Ok, haha! I got a little preachy and I’m sorry. I guess I was having a moment looking back at some old poems from the past and realizing just how much I’ve come through-all which I would never have had the strength to go alone. I struggle a LOT (hey-no one said this is easy), with who I am and why I was never “enough” for those who supposedly committed to me. I have high expectations sometimes-more for myself than others. And when someone does seemingly take a chance on me now, I have a hard time trusting. I push them away and don’t talk to them much because I am afraid of not being what they “thought” and then feeling disappointed when they leave my life. I will share an experience from my younger years that has stuck with me for a long time. When I was in 8th grade, I was living in a 5th-8th grade girls dorm in a tiny boarding school in Bolivia, South America. The prior year I had been in a large public school in the US (my parents went to the US every few years for a year “furlough”), so I knew none of the rules at this boarding school for this age. Well, within weeks, I was breaking (pretty innocently) rules and my dorm parents sat me down in their office. Their words will always sting-they told me they had expected me to be an angel since they knew my parents and they were disappointed in me. WOW! That hurt…and I believe that was the first of many disappointing moments in my life.
Anyway, take the chance, trust, and commit. That is my challenge to you-to myself.
Sitting here atop this peak I’m on
Looking down at the beauty beneath
Wondering how I got up this high
Knowing there is no where else to go but down
The waters below show me where I’m at
They reveal where I’ve been
The reflections of my journey here
I see love and laughter
Hope of things to come
Anticipation for the future as we climbed together
All the multi-pitched trust and determination
Giggles of children playing below
Watching and learning wherever we would go
We climbed and hiked this route
Anchored in deep so as not to fall
Or so we thought
But the anchors were loose
Aged from time and climbers falling hard on them
Knowing a safe climb down is not possible
Letting go of the rope that binds us
We jump head first
Not seeing the other
Falling headlong into the deep waters below
Breaking the reflections of our past
They will be no more
Drowned out now by currents of new life
Looking up at the peak from whence I fell
Will I climb that mountain again?
See my reflection in this mere puddle I’m in
Maybe…time will only tell
So, I wrote this little blurb this morning based on my mood, as is my custom. I mentioned previously that I’ve climbed some pretty mighty (metaphorical) mountains during my lifetime already. I feel like I am at the top of one now, looking over the edge and ready to jump-freefall if you will-into the unknown. It is a scary time for me and yet exciting. Part of me thinks, yeah, I can handle any mountain now! And the other side is saying, no…I can’t handle the difficult journey or the fall again. I have been waging a war inside and outside with what has been going on in my life. It is still too raw to share details, but suffice to say, it is the largest thing I’ve ever gone through-the most devastating to me, however, I know that because I have an amazing God who promised me He would never leave me and promised good for those who love Him and follow Him, I know that I will still stand and be okay. I won’t drown in my sorrow or crawl around in desperation. I am a child of the King and He knows how beautiful I am. I am thankful for all the past I’ve been through that has strengthened me thus far. I may not be strong enough otherwise. It is true…”What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” And also there is a song out that says, “He might let you bend but He will never let you break.” Yep! My soul and my heart is His! He also entrusted me with a beautiful little girl, 4 years old right now, that is a ball of energy and light! I love her with all my heart and in this time of free-falling…I know I have to bounce back quickly and be there for my child. She is resilient and even though this mountain is a journey she also took, and she is feeling the repercussions of such a high fall, I am praying that God can use me in her life to show her that there is something/someone higher than all of this that is worth living your life for! She doesn’t understand yet, and she will always remember this timeframe in her life, but God will reign in her-I have that hope and prayer.
My next post is going to be my story of my first multi-pitch climb (in Red Rock Canyon, just outside of Las Vegas, Nevada), called “Cat in the Hat.” Stay tuned!!!!
- John Maeda on creative leadership (metacool.typepad.com)
- Mind Games… (anextramile.org)
- “Reflection” (eve4evarules.wordpress.com)
- Plateaus, valleys and mountains: Silencing the inner critic (canadiankate.wordpress.com)
- Breathe… (asouldrivenmind.wordpress.com)
- Trust (booknvolume.com)
- Man Dies After Falling While Climbing Longs Peak (denver.cbslocal.com)
- Scripture and Song Day 02 (ayatheachan.wordpress.com)
- Knowing (It’s Over) (thinkandscrawl.wordpress.com)
- Reflected (iswearimnotanidiot.wordpress.com)